Kairi Totally Goes Shopping
by CalKJ
Summary: And it was totally worth the destruction of an entire shopping mall. Then again, Kairi would turn the universe inside out to make Sora happy. Feeling like a past decision has led to Sora's present feelings of betrayal, the princess sets out on a magical journey to another world's shopping mall to buy him the perfect Valentine's Day gift! But honestly, she could just go down on him.
1. Money to Blow

**Disclaimer:** Don't be fooled. This totally free, totally silly story was written by someone who doesn't own Kingdom Hearts, Square Enix, or even Young Money Cash Money. Weird, right?

 **Chapter 1: Money to Blow**

Kairi sang along to Drake's verse, "I-I-I I'm on my Disney shit, Goofy flow! On records I'm Captain Hook, and my new car is Rufio—damn, where my roof just go? I'm somebody that you should—"

"Blow me, Kairi," Sora threw in.

"—know! Get to shakin' somethin' 'cuz that's what Drumma produced to it fo'!" Kairi made sure to finish that part of the verse strong and definitely off-key.

"You are such a gringo, Kairi," said Riku, riding shotgun.

Sora was driving a rented company vehicle, a small SUV. There was an awkward tension between him and Riku. From the backseat, Kairi could definitely sense this tension, and her rendition of a hip-hop song didn't quite diffuse it.

As the SUV cruised down Osaka Team Highway, Sora and Riku remained silent towards each other. Deflating a bit, Kairi leaned forward and asked, "So, uh…didn't we have fun today?"

"Sure," said Sora.

"Totally," said Riku.

Not convinced in the slightest, the backseat princess remarked, "Wow, so…this was the first time in a long time all three of us got to hang out together. Sora, you're always working, and Riku, you're usually with Tidus or Wakka."

"Hey, I work, too," Riku corrected, a tad irritably.

"Yeah, I know," Kairi replied sheepishly. "It's just that…I'm glad the three of us got a chance to be friends again."

Somewhat placating his primary female love interest, Sora half-smiled and said, "You're right. Taking a walk around the mall was actually super relaxing today."

Kairi believed that statement, for the most part. Back at the Platinum Games Mall, Sora and Riku had been acting amicably toward one another, but every now and then, an awkward silence would separate them. Sora seemed a bit standoffish while Riku exuded feelings of regret. They even had a small argument about which motorcycle was faster—Cloud Strife's Fenrir or Travis Touchdown's Schpeltiger. However, this argument wasn't as playful as their usual banter. Kairi had to jump between them before things got too macho at the mall.

Ever since that small spat, the two boys kept their distance. But the real reason for their coldness hadn't been discussed yet.

Kairi sighed. She'd tested the waters long enough.

Laughing, she said, "Hey, you remember that time Riku and I had sex and kept it a secret?"

"Seriously, Kairi?" Riku retorted.

"Here we go," Sora lamented.

"No, we're talking about this!" Kairi asserted. "For three people who've all seen each other naked, we've been acting like total strangers and I'm sick of it!"

"What?" Riku started. "I've seen Sora naked, but he hasn't seen me naked."

Rolling his eyes, Sora replied, "Moron, we used to shower together as kids."

"Oh, shit—that's right." Smirking and giving his driver a nudge, Riku added, "A _lot_ has changed since then, believe me."

"Yeah, I doubt that," Sora replied with an equally lighthearted smirk.

Kairi went on, "Right, and still to the point, I'm glad Riku told you the truth, Sora. I know, I was pretty ticked off at first, but now I see it needed to be said. Friends shouldn't keep secrets from each other!"

"Right, so what's your real point, Kairi?" Riku questioned, turning to frown at her. "If you're tryna get a threesome started, you're doing a terrible job."

"Heheh, well…"

Once again, an awkward silence fell upon the three youngsters, followed by Sora and Riku giving the girl an incredulous look.

Slowly, She admitted, "If it helps, you two would be my first choices—"

"Yeah, you'd better add about fifty—no, sixty naked chicks between you, me, and Sora!"

It was barely even noon in Squeenix Headquarters, and the weather was bright yet fairly chilly. To beat the chills, all three teenagers had worn casual hoodies or jackets in lieu of their usual attire. About their vehicle, they were already done using it, therefore Sora was pulling into the Rent-A-Car parking lot, ready to drop off their rental.

After handing over the keys, Sora, Riku, and Kairi walked back to the main courtyard, currently enjoying a slightly mellower mood than before. However, Kairi had to say something.

"So, Sora, when me and Riku had sex—" Kairi began but was soon interrupted.

"Oh, come on, we were doing so good!" Riku shouted suddenly.

"Really, you can leave it alone now, Kairi!" Sora complained.

Lagging behind her friends, Kairi gave another sheepish smile before saying, "I just want to clear up some things."

"Things are crystal clear," Riku asserted.

Sora was hesitant. Halting his walk, he said, "Well, not really."

Kairi caught up to Sora and gently touched his arm. "Sora, just ask me anything. I want to be as honest and up front as possible."

"Hm." Sora looked between Kairi and Riku, watching the latter of whom finally stop in his tracks. Thinking briefly, the brown-haired protagonist finally asked, "Was it the only time…or were there other times?"

Gazing deep at him, Kairi assured, "It was the only time." Seeing as how Sora's only response was to cross his arms and grunt, Kairi continued, "You remember how young and dumb we used to be."

"Speak for yourself," Riku inserted.

"Riku and I…we had this idea in our heads about using the raft as an excuse to keep us busy. But the more we worked, the more curious we became."

Sighing, Sora finished the story, "Yeah, yeah—and then you two snuck off the night of the storm to _really_ get busy. Does that sum things up?"

Riku was unsure how to handle this side of Sora. Rubbing the back of his neck, he added, "Uh, kinda."

"Of course, there's more, but you don't have to hear it if you don't want to," Kairi said. She scanned Sora's aloof gaze for a clue, but to no avail. "Just tell me what you're thinking."

"Hmph. Let's get back to the dormitory." And with that, Sora pimp-walked away.

Riku and Kairi shared a confused look. Shrugging, the redheaded love-interest piped up, "Let's go keep him company."

"No, I think he's had enough of us for one day," Riku assumed.

"Hey!" Sora suddenly called back. "Get the lead out! Let's go get lunch!"

* * *

 **-X-**

Later that night, Kairi was lounging on the bed of her dorm room, staring up at the dull ceiling. The rest of the afternoon went great with her two favorite anime boys, seeing as how they stayed off that certain subject completely. However, she still felt a schism between her and Sora.

"Naminé…" Kairi attempted to speak with her soul-sista. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I feel like I permanently screwed something up. I think Sora's always gonna hate me for keeping that secret from him. I don't know how to make him innocent again. It's like everything I did—"

"Yo, Kairi, what's up?" Naminé replied telepathically. "Whoa, were you already saying something?"

Thankful for a response, Kairi spoke up again, "Yeah."

"I think I got the gist," said Naminé. "Roxas has been acting a little strange lately, too."

"…I don't know what I was thinking back then, but it definitely wasn't a decent amount. Riku was like a schoolgirl crush, and Sora…he was just so brotherly, I couldn't even imagine getting physical with him." Kairi chuckled. "I remember when I told him, 'Don't ever change,' like I really had any control of the situation."

Naminé chuckled back at her…you know, telepathically. "You're talking about the day I was spawned again, aren't you? I can't believe after all this time, you still think about Riku stealing your heart."

"Well, it did kind of turn me into a Heartless…thingy. That shit was real."

"Yeah, well try living in the custody of bad guys double-crossing the badder guys. _That_ shit's pretty real."

Sorry, this is mostly expositional. Let's skip to a better part of the conversation. Oh wait, here it comes!

"Wait, so why is Roxas acting so weird?" Kairi inquired.

Naminé sounded embarrassed. "Well, it's got something to do with that 'thing' we did a while back."

Cracking up, Kairi said, "Oh, no—don't tell me. The threesome you had with Axel? Or Lea, or whatever?"

"Exactly—and that stays between us, remember?" Naminé's voice groaned. "He wasn't, um…how should I put this? He wasn't really himself during that whole thing, and lately he's been trying to act really macho around his friends. I'm thinking about setting up another three-way to give 'im another shot."

"Well, now you know not to choose Axel," Kairi replied wittily. "Unless you want it to be a rematch…"

"We'll see. As for Sora, maybe you should just surprise him with a lightly shaved vuh-jay-jay? Honestly, you should've just banged him when you two took a shower last week."

"Hey, that's not my fault! There were two other girls trying to do the same thing!"

"Excuses. Go do it right now, Kairi. Go to his room, knock on the door, and perform fellatio on whoever answers."

"What? Right now?"

"Yeah, now. Go all X-rated on Sora until he forgets the past. Bet some decent neck'll cure any ill will in a heart—"

"That's right—Valentine's Day!" Kairi suddenly exclaimed. Checking her crooked calendar, she said, "Good, it's in two weeks. Hey, you know what I've always wanted to get Sora? A blue tuxedo like Phoenix Wright."

Offering her sincerest opinion, Naminé stated, "That's stupid. Try again."

"Fine. How 'bout a skateboard?"

"He has like, ten of 'em."

"Sephiroth pajamas?"

"Back to stupid, again."

"Dammit. Maybe he'll like some ice cream?"

"Woman, we've been through this already. Just purchase an electric shaver, attach the lowest guard possible—"

"That's not gonna be my present! He'll just think I'm trying to be easy for him, and Sora's not like that. He needs a present that says…" And then it occurred that she spotted her lucky charm sitting on her desk. "'You're the one I want to be with.'"

"Oh, something that'll make me vomit, then?" Naminé teased.

"Exactly." Picking up her charm, Kairi added, "Nothing too expensive or flashy." A magazine had been lying just below her lucky charm. Spotting something expensive and flashy on the cover, she added again, "Definitely not buying him a motorcycle."

As Kairi flipped through the pages of Activision Magazine, she heard Naminé's voice respond with, "Maybe you should consider becoming a modeling agent for Sora. You know he likes to pose like a complete moron. Can't you see him smirking on the cover of a Playgirl magazine?"

"Soon, Naminé, soon. But for right now, I'm thinking more along the lines of…yep, I found it!"

Kairi tore out the page in question, slapping it down on her desk in dramatic fashion. "I'll get him this! It's not quite fast and edgy like a motorcycle, but it's just what he needs!"

"Wait—don't tell me. Is it deodorant?"

"I'm hanging up, now! _Buh-bye!"_

Indeed, Kairi inexplicably concluded the mental connection with her blonde twin for now. Beaming down at the advertisement, she squeaked an excited laugh.

"Sora, it's time you relaxed in luxury—hovering, convertible Jacuzzi-style!"

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** Thanks for making it to the end! The author would genuinely appreciate reviews or feedback, which he takes more seriously than his own stories! You could probably tell by the lack of seriousness in this one passage alone. As always, stay tuned!


	2. Stupid Hoe

**A/N:** Thank you for being patient!

 **Chapter 2: Stupid Hoe**

Following through with her newfound objective to buy the perfect present for Sora, Kairi consulted Reno the very next day. To slip past Squeenix's boundaries, Kairi would need a confidential cab ride to the world of Activision.

"Oh, freakin' great," the Turk bemoaned. "Not this again! Don't you know that you and other worlds don't mix?"

"Look, all you have to do is drive over to Activision, wait in the parking lot, and drive us back. The whole trip shouldn't take more than an hour. C'mon, I'll buy you a smoothie if I see a smoothie shop, and if not, I'll get you some pretzels or something, and if there aren't any pretzels, I'll look for Dippin' Dots—"

Losing his patience, Reno shot up from his desk and shouted, "Fine! Have it your way. Let me get someone to cover my shift while I'm out." Seeing Cait Sith pass by in the Square Enix Headquarters Lobby, Reno yelled, "Yo, Cait Sith!"

Riding atop his trusty mog companion, Cait Sith the talking cat replied, "Whad'ya want?"

"Cover for me while I'm gone! Just answer phones, or whatever."

Shrugging, Cait Sith responded, "Sure. How hard is a secretary's job?"

Putting his pants on, (Reno works with his pants off) Reno grabbed his car keys and said, "Not hard at all. Don't forget to look busy." Successfully zipping up his pants, he said, "C'mon, Kairi. I don't have all day."

"Didn't need to see all that, but okay." Reno's hairy legs weren't going to stop Kairi's ambition.

* * *

 **-X-**

"Oh, shit—duck down!"

Obeying Reno's command, Kairi hurriedly ducked below the dashboard in front of the passenger's seat. Panicking, she asked, "Don't tell me it's Nomura!"

Driving around a crowded corner, Reno replied, "Nah, nah. I thought it was Elena, but it wasn't her. I really don't want anyone to see me with you."

Kairi popped back up with an insulted look. "Geez, you wanna sugar-coat that next time?"

"No, no—it's just that she might tattle on us if she saw you here. She's a real teacher's pet for those game devs, you know."

Reno rounded another corner and proceeded onto a multi-lane highway. Once they'd driven a proper distance from Squeenix Headquarters, Reno fired up the Interstellar Highway gizmo, which allowed his automobile to travel through outer space using a procedurally-generated road made out of Holo-Light. It's best not to think about it too much.

Anyhow, the glowing road of ever-changing colors appeared like a hologram in front of their sedan. Driving onto it like a tangible bridge, Reno said with a hint of excitement, "Get ready to have your mind blown."

"Reno, this isn't my first time going in outer space," Kairi retorted. "Rude used to take me places all the time, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. You two were dating." Reno shuddered.

"Yeah, for like two years! Get with the program, slow-poke!"

And so it happened that a great argument broke out regarding Kairi's time dating an older gentleman by the name of Rude. As their Interstellar Highway twisted skyward and guided them outside of Square Enix's world, Reno debated relentlessly about how wrong it was for a grown Turk like Rude to date an underage schoolgirl like Kairi. Of course, Kairi rebutted that fifteen was legal in SOME PARTS of Japan, the validity of which Reno denied, saying "Kingdom Hearts is more American than Japanese." This caused Kairi to raise the point that she's been fifteen years old for over a decade, and that she was nearly thirty years old in her own mental facilities. Reno, donning his big-brother-fedora, simply stated she's always acted too immature to be an adult, anyway.

And then Kairi mentioned the time she had sex with Riku to further prove how mature she was. Then it got awkwardly silent between the two.

Kairi then tried recanting her previous point by also mentioning she'd gotten involved in religious activities, culminating in some sort of born-again ceremony to reinstate her long-lost virginity.

Driving through the sea of colors that was their rendition of outer space, Reno hammered his point of view home, "Look, I don't give a _slippery-flip_ what kinda new religion you think you're getting high off of, let's just agree that dating a hound-dog like Rude was not the way to go. Everyone who knew about that disgusting relationship all thought the same thing. Furthermore, said collective of disgusted people also thought you should've been dating someone your own age!"

"One: I hate it when you start using big words. Stop thinking you're so smart just 'cuz you watch Rick and Morty—dick. Two: what do you think I'm out here breaking the rules for? I've learned my lesson, and now I just wanna make things right with Sora, the guy I really want to be with." Screwing up her face, Kairi fired back once more, "And quit calling me disgusting! Rude and I never even banged!"

"Yeah, but we saw those nasty Kuposts of you and him kissing all on camera. Yeah, you two made a habit of disgusting everyone on Kupo+, Capchat, Kweh…basically any form of social media."

Crossing her arms with a pouty look, Kairi inquired, "We weren't that bad, were we?"

"Oh, freakin' A, you were terrible!"

Finally, some much needed tranquility fell between the two travelers, accompanied by a rich view of the stars and nearby worlds. As their procedurally-generated road guided them deeper into the unknown, they passed up floating signs detailing routes to other worlds, such as Grasshopper Manufacture, Rocksteady, Tamsoft, and Bungie.

Unbeknownst to Kairi, Reno had taken a detour toward the world of Sega. The enormous world loomed in the distance, resting behind a McDonald's restaurant on a floating meteorite. Driving up to the floating McDonald's parking lot, Reno scanned the area as if he were looking for someone.

Noticing they'd arrived somewhere quite different from the mall, Kairi piped up, "Hey, didn't I say I'd buy you some junk food at the mall?"

"I'm not here for that," said Reno, squinting through the McDonald's store's windows. "Just chill out until my buddy comes out."

"Reno—Reno? What the hell are you up to?" Kairi immediately questioned.

"Just chill, will ya? Don't make a scene!"

"Oh, no—this is a date with Rude all over again!"

"I said chill—here he comes!"

Strutting out the front doors was a young male in red shorts, red sneakers, a tall blue tee, green sunglasses, and a red hat with orange floral patterns. Also, I should mention this was a black man.

"B.D. Joe—what's crankin'?" Reno greeted the man in sunglasses.

Approaching Kairi's side of the sedan, B.D. Joe replied cheerily, "Haha, my man Reecko!"

"No, it's Reno."

"Whatever—who's this little lady with the dollface?" B.D. Joe asked, grinning with all of his pearly whites for outer space to see.

"Uh—"

Kairi interrupted Reno, "Hi there, I'm Kairi. Say, you're not gonna blow up our car today through some stupid hijinks, are you?"

Highly intrigued, B.D. Joe countered, "As fun as that sounds, the only thing I'm blowing today is this-here spliff of mine." Holding up a rather sizeable joint, B.D. laughed and said, "Speaking of which, if you got that Gil, I've got that green, baby!"

He was speaking to Reno. "Oh, right." And just like that, Reno and B.D. Joe made a trade of Gil and a bag of sunshine, all in front of Kairi's face.

"Pleasure doin' business, bigshot!"

"You're a lifesaver, B.D. Joe!" As his drug dealer strutted over to a parked taxi cab, Reno sniffed the baggie and said, "Mm-mm-mm! Now that's some top shelf Resident Evil 7 Herb, baby!" And with that, they returned to the astral road among the stars.

Kairi's face reflected disappointment. "That seriously couldn't wait?"

"What, you thought I was gonna wait in the car without something to puff on? Get real. Also, you mind rolling this up for me?"

"Yes—yes, I do mind!"

"Cuz you don't know how to roll, or because you're being a little Crabby-Abby?"

"Just drive the car, Reno."

"C'mon." He jammed the baggie in Kairi's face. "I'll let you take a hit if you roll that sucker!"

"Reno…"

"C'mon. C'mon. C'mon, just roll up a bit of it. We've got fifteen minutes 'til we hit Activision. I bet you could roll two in that amount of time!"

She took the baggie. "I hate you."

And so it came to pass, after a scenic drive among the stars, that their sedan approached a sizeable world with the word "Activision" stamped on its surface in giant, white, capitalized letters.

Still fumbling with the filter in an almost-finished joint, Kairi suddenly looked up and gawked at the approaching world of Activision.

"Whoa—I didn't know this place was poppin' like _this!"_

"Of course it is. Call of Duty ain't no indie project. Not to mention Activision's been around almost longer than Square Enix has. Oh, and before we go any further, where the hell's this world's mall again?"

Glancing at the magazine she'd brought along, Kairi answered, "It's supposed to be in the letter 'V,' so I guess start there."

"You're the boss." As Reno accelerated towards the letter "V" in Activision, he cracked, "Hey, look at us, Kairi. We're headed straight for the 'V!'"

"Don't make me throw this joint out the window."

Soon, the entire planet took up their field of view, revealing massive cities and highways built inside each individual letter of Activision's name. The sky was blue, and the ground looked bottomless, buried somewhere beneath the array flying cars, jets, and intimidating skyscrapers.

Immediately after entering foreign territory, the pair were greeted with a hovering sign that read, "Coming Up: Activision Mall."

"I'm guessing it's that huge-ass building shaped like a giant army helmet?" Reno surmised.

"No, that's the grocery store." Pointing at a set of buildings shaped like four handguns whose barrels were propped against each other in a plus-sign formation, Kairi corrected him, "That's the Activision Mall."

"Oh, right. That makes total sense."

Reno guided their holo-light-bound sedan down to a wide-open parking lot outside the guns-shaped shopping center. That last sentence was uber weird.

Snagging up her purse and magazine, Kairi hurriedly thanked her chauffer, "Reno, you're a saint for this! I swear I'll bring you back something—!"

"Hey, hey—wait a minute!" Reno suddenly yelled, halting his passenger from leaving the car. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Whoops, sticky fingers." Kairi handed over the loosely rolled joint. "Don't get high and wander off without me!"

"Yeah, yeah—get lost, kid." Reno took a lighter and sparked up his joint.

"I'm serious, Reno!"

"Man, you do _not_ know how to roll joints," Reno insulted, opting to fix Kairi's craftwork. "Hey, buzz off already! I don't got all day."

Kairi took a deep breath and departed from the sedan, pacing for the mall's entrance. Already, she could feel the effects of being in a different world. All of the graphics and textures were quite alien to what she was used to back home, and she could only imagine how much her colorful body stuck out in such a detailed location.

However, upon venturing deeper into the shopping center, Kairi came across citizens of all shapes and sizes; some were realistic-looking humans while others were simply monsters from some sort of Pokemon knock-off. Kairi walked past numerous shops and vendors, checking for a store called Hasbro Gifts 'N Such.

As she walked past stores like Call of Booty, Skylander Apparel, Doom Donuts, Teenage Mutant Ninja Churros, Spider-Man Home Décor, Guitar Heroes and Heroines, and Movie-Tie-Ins-R-Us, Kairi sang the lyrics to the song playing in her earphones, _"Th-Th-Th-Th-_ This dude named Michael used tah ride motorcycles. 'Ick bigger than a tower, I ain't talkin' bout Eifels. Real country-azz 'igga, let me play with his rifle. 'Ussy put hizazz to sleep, now he callin' me Nyquil. Now that bang, bang, _baaang_. I let him hit it 'cuz he slang _cocaaaine_. He toss my—"

Suddenly, an excited crowd formed inside the mall's main corridor, stealing Kairi's attention from the Nicki Minaj song. Apparently, someone famous had just walked through the door, and judging by the presence of several security guards, this mysterious celebrity wasn't trying to stay hidden.

And there, from across the crowded corridor, Kairi finally spotted who the celebrity was.

"No way! I can't believe it's him!"

His fur was orange, and his jeans were blue. The famed marsupial from PSOne era greatness had showed up to Activision's shopping center, and the fan-storm he'd caused was going absolutely ballistic.

"Oh, boy—everyone keep calm!" Crash yelled with a nervous grin. Right then and there, he decided to give a much-needed speech, all in his lovely Australian accent, of course. "As some of ya might already know, I have an autograph signing scheduled for next week. However, my agent and I decided to do something special and come a week early!"

"Whoa, that's unbelievable!" Kairi exclaimed amid the eruption of applause.

Answering his fans' cries of approval, Crash Bandicoot continued, "The autograph signing is still on for next week, so fear not, mates! And if you want your free autograph signed by me, just come on over to Tony Hawk's Pro Skater Gift Shop! See you there!"

While Crash's rabid fan-following started shuffling over to said gift shop, Kairi was torn for what to do first. Of course, she wanted to get that bandicoot's autograph no matter what, but she didn't know how long Sora's gift would remain in stock. Frowning down at the bookmarked page of her magazine, Kairi determined her next plan of action.

"Don't you go anywhere without me, Crash! Sora's gotta comes first!"

* * *

 **-X-**

"Looks like you're in luck, ma'am. You've got the last one in stock," said the old man shopkeeper of Hasbro Entertainment (or Gifts N' Such, or whatever). "Yep, we keep a limited stock of these-here Flying Jacuzzis because Hasbro wants to keep the spirit of laziness a sacred thing."

"Hm…and you're sure it's powered by electricity, not that filthy gasoline?" Larxene asked, eyeballing the shopkeeper suspiciously.

"Yes, indeed—says so right on the box." Since the Jacuzzi was resting on a top shelf, the old shopkeeper stated, "If this is what you'd like to buy, I'm happy to fetch the ladder and pick it up for you."

Sold, Larxene replied, "If you would be so kind."

"No problem, ma'am!"

And so, the shopkeeper ventured to the front of the store where the ladder resided. As he approached it, behold, Kairi waltzed in, magazine in hand, demanding attention, "Hello? Do you work here, sir?"

Nodding politely, the old shopkeeper said, "Why yes, I do!"

Kairi held up her bookmarked magazine. "Please, can you tell me where I can find this Flying Jacuzzi?"

"Hm?" Recognizing the item, the shopkeeper bemoaned, "Ooooh, bad luck! I was actually about to fetch the last one in stock for another customer. But if ya want, we can preorder another one for ya next month!"

"Shoot, no good. I was trying to buy someone a Valentine's Day gift."

"Hm, you don't say. Well, ma'am, it's first come, first serve around here. People who like our Flying Jacuzzis also love our waterproof flatscreens, which is just a little more expensive."

Kairi sighed. "Sure, I'll take a look."

And so it occurred that as Kairi walked to the back of the store, she heard a familiar voice from around a corner: "Geez, how long's it take to get a frickin' ladder?"

Rounding that corner, Kairi stopped and gaped at the sight of a tall blonde wearing an all-black, full-length coat. The blonde woman reflected Kairi's surprise. Needless to say, sparks flew the moment their eyes met.

"Oh, hai," said Kairi, utilizing some forced-enthusiasm.

"Look who it is," Larxene responded, none too pleased.

"Didn't know you were into electronics," Kairi admitted, though not entirely thoughtful of what she just said.

"Well, I do have electricity powers, so…"

"Yeah, uh—I knew that."

"I also like gadgets that can transform into flying Jacuzzis 'cuz that's right up my alley."

Kairi jumped in surprise. "You're the one who got the last one?!"

A hint of joy in her eyes, Larxene guessed, "Oh, don't tell me you were gonna get the same thing?"

Deflating, the crestfallen princess responded, "Yeah I was, actually. Are you about to buy that for anyone special?"

"Yeah. Me." Larxene looked up and smirked at the boxed item on the top shelf. "The parties I'm going to throw with this thing are gonna be super-wild. I might even videotape some of it."

"C'mon, Larxene—I was gonna buy that for Sora!" Kairi revealed. "Is there any way I can convince you to let me have it?"

"Hm, let me think…"

Just then, the shopkeeper returned with the ladder. "Just give me one moment, madam, and I'll have it down for ya."

Larxene made her decision. "Looks like a 'nope,' baby-girl."

Suddenly, the distance between both girls was closed sharply, courtesy of the redheaded princess. Speaking low enough to keep a sweet tone, Kairi attempted once more, "Please, Larxene? I'll let you have a turn in the tub before Sora gets to it."

"Hm…" Once again, Larxene thought about saying yes. But then again, she enjoys being a total bitch. "The answer's still no. I'm gonna wanna get drunk and masturbate in it later, and you know how Sora's allergic to cooties. So, uh, if you don't mind…please back the hell up."

Kairi's heart burned like an arsonist's masterpiece. Turning around, she called up to the shopkeeper currently scaling the ladder, "Oh, Mister Shopkeeper! It seems my friend here just agreed to let me purchase the item you're about to retrieve, so if you don't mind—!"

"Oh, bull _shit!"_ Larxene exclaimed. "Don't listen to this little heifer! That Flying Jacuzzi is mine! Got it?!"

Outstretching her arms, Kairi added with a wink, "That just means she'll be paying for it! She even wants it giftwrapped just for me!"

"You dirty little…" Larxene cut herself off by giving a rough shove to Kairi's back.

Flailing around in response, Kairi went careening into the side of the shopkeeper's ladder, which was still holding said shopkeeper. The elder gentleman immediately started clawing at anything in grabbing distance while his ladder slowly tipped over.

Scared stupid, Kairi screamed up at the old man, "Dude, JUMP!"

"Ermagherd!" the old man shrieked whilst leaping to grab the top shelf's ledge. Once there, he dangled like a panicking, pathetic sandbag.

Larxene was quick to point the finger. "Look what you did! Now that old geezer's gonna fall to his death because of your carelessness!"

"I can still hear you, ya know!"

Kairi sighed. "Let's work together to save him, Larxene!"

"Sure. But first you gotta surrender that Jacuzzi to me."

"Dammit…" Kairi looked up at the shopkeeper, then at the Jacuzzi, then back to Larxene. She made up her mind. "Screw you! I'll save him myself!"

Quickly, she dashed over to the fallen ladder, propped it up next to the struggling-to-hold-on shopkeeper, and started climbing. Calmly, she told her dangling quarry, "Don't worry, Mister Shopkeeper! I won't let you fall—just hang in there!"

"Hmph." Larxene had other plans. Utilizing some graceful parkour, the Savage Nymph wall-stepped each level of the shelf until the Jacuzzi box came into view. After snatching up the suitcase-sized box, Larxene flipped up to the top level and stood there, inspecting the box.

"Hey, Shopkeeper! You sure this tiny little box has an entire Jacuzzi stuffed inside?"

"Yes, indeed, ma'am," the old man replied in strained politeness. "You see, the Flying Jacuzzi has a transformer function, hence the reason we sell it here in Hasbro!"

Distracted from saving the elder gentleman, Kairi scoffed and said, "You were gonna buy that thing without knowing it could transform?!"

"Doesn't matter. You just focus on being a good little super-zero!" And with that, Larxene leapt from shelf to shelf, heading for the checkout stands.

"Sonuva-slut-bucket! Quick, gimme your hand!" Kairi directed.

After sharing a few rungs of the ladder with the shopkeeper, Kairi did the unthinkable and kicked off of the shelf, once again tipping the ladder over.

"What, are you nuts?!" the shopkeeper screeched in horror.

Performing her best Nathan Drake impression, the fearless princess leapt from the ladder and grabbed the edge of a nearby shelf, intending to pull herself up. The only problem was the fact that the shopkeeper was now screaming and holding onto her legs for dear life.

"Listen, you have to climb over me, Mister Shopkeeper!" Kairi instructed, barely able to keep her grip.

"Oh, geez—if you say so!" But suddenly, Mister Shopkeeper looked upward, witnessing Kairi's frilly panties and toned glutes. "Ermergherd…"

"Hurry up and climb, dude! What are you doing…?"

The old man's grip wasn't pure enough. He slipped, fell, and that was it.

Cutting her losses rather quickly, Kairi pulled herself up and immediately started sprinting after Larxene, who moved slower due to the added weight of a box on her possession. Going into full-on track-star mode, Kairi quickly caught up and tackled Larxene; as they hit the surface of the shelf's topside, they slid to the edge and watched the loose box slip and fall to its doom.

Elbowing Kairi in the ribs, Larxene groaned, "Look what you did, stupid little girl! You better not've broken it!"

Seizing the blonde bombshell in a chokehold, Kairi berated her, "I hope you know you might've killed an old man today!"

"So what? Someone'll Phoenix Down his sorry ass at some point! Besides…" Larxene managed to buck Kairi off her back, sending the frail girl careening to the shelf's edge. "…there're plenty of workers good and willing to service yours truly!"

"AAAH!" the princess shrieked.

As Kairi struggled to pull herself back up, Larxene leapt over the edge and gracefully landed on a passed-out customer's generous belly. "I'll be taking this…"

Larxene snagged the suitcase-sized box from the unconscious customer's face.

Kairi dangled from the top of the shelf, legs a good thirty feet from the ground. Briefly, she thought about turning her entire outfit into a hang-glider…

She gave her final resolve, "No…I will _not_ get naked in public today!"

Kairi launched herself off the wall with every ounce of her strength, descending at a wide angle. She had underestimated her own leg strength, actually surprised to see her body sailing right over Larxene's unsuspecting head. Thinking fast, she aimed for the check-stand, opting to go for the floor-to-ceiling pole mounted right next to it.

"…The flippin' heck are you doing?!" Larxene shouted.

Spiraling down that pole with all her momentum, Kairi landed on the check-stand's tabletop. She felt triumphant as hell, so she pointed her finger and yelled, "Stop in the name of love, Larxene!"

"Screw you, kid," Larx' replied sourly.

"Just hand over the box, Larxene, and I'll owe you one big-time!"

"No way. I found it first."

"Nuh-ah—I found it in the magazine, first!" Kairi was getting desperate. "Besides, I'm doing this for Sora while you're just getting it for yourself!"

"Exactly, which is why I plan on really enjoying myself once I get home." Larxene pointed at Kairi's feet. "Also, you knocked out the cashier while doing your stripper routine."

Indeed, the cashier was unconscious behind the check-stand, adding yet another casualty to the ensuing carnage.

"Damn…" Kairi addressed anyone in earshot, "Hey, does anyone here know how to cashier?"

Standing in a full Hasbro uniform, Kermit the Frog answered, "Uh, yeah. But, uh, it looks like you're enemy just took off with the merchandise."

"WHAT?" Kairi spotted her thieving nemesis darting out the gift shop. She sighed. "I hate that hoe…"

And so it happened, within that gift shop of Transformers-themed merchandise, that Kairi leapt down from the check-stand and began a wondrous journey through the mall that entailed terrorizing shoppers whilst making Larxene pay for her selfish ways.

Meanwhile, another frog worker, Frogger to be exact, walked up to ole Kermit and asked, "So do you think we should call the cops?"

Kermit placed a hand on young Frogger's shoulder. He sniffed a deep inhale of fresh air, answering him, "No."


	3. No Ceilings

**Chapter 3: No Ceilings**

"Mr. Bandicoot, you seem a little on edge," Crash's agent blurted out of nowhere.

Jittering from some undisclosed trauma, Crash muttered back, "Nonsense. The only thing on my mind is autographing these handsome pictures for all my loyal…fans."

Currently, the celebrity marsupial was autographing photos of himself at an impressive four pics a second. There was a steady moving line of star-struck fans grabbing each photo with glee, throwing praises at the Activision Superstar. However, Crash's face was permanently stuck on crazed-smile-mode, staring into the great abyss.

Crash's agent said, "So, uh—"

"Dammit, Gex! Enough of your filthy questions!" Crash yelled suddenly.

"Whoa, dude, I was just saying—you look like you seen a murder!" said Gex.

The famous bandicoot sighed. "Look…I'll tell you later."

Oh, yeah. This is a Kingdom Hearts story. So, while Reno was outside smoking a joint in his car with the windows up and listening to various Reggae songs, Kairi was in the middle of giving chase to Larxene, who currently possessed the transforming hot tub she desired for her it's-complicated male friend.

As Larxene was running past Tony Hawk's Pro Skater Gift Shop, a store filled to the brim with anxious customers awaiting an autograph from an evidently traumatized Crash Bandicoot, Kairi spotted a ball-shaped, green alien-monster-looking thing, grabbed it like a bowling ball, and then—

"Sorry, green dude!" Kairi shrieked while bowling the one-eyed green man in Larxene's direction.

"Hey—what the?" Mike Wazowski screamed, rolling against his will.

Just as Larxene peered over her shoulder, the Monsters Inc. employee-turned-high-speed-projectile collided into her legs, tripping up the would-be thief. As Larxene landed on her backside, Kairi came pouncing on the piece of stolen merchandise, also trapping Larxene's head between her legs. So…they were, like, sixty-nine'd on the floor. Man, that's a weird visual.

Daring to yank the box free with or without Larx's hands, Kairi screamed, "Just let go, you pyscho!"

"In your stupid, dumb dreams!" was Larx's reply.

By now, most of the customers' attention had been drawn to their scuffle on the floor. Even the Bandicoot fans had paused in their souvenir collecting to gawk at the two feuding femmes.

Suddenly, Kairi caught a knee to the bottom lip, now stymied in her tugs for the fabled Hasbro hot tub. That's when Larxene kicked her rival completely off her.

"I'm guessing you want an audience for this ass-kicking," the Savage Nymph surmised, standing to her feet. After setting the box down, she cracked her knuckles, drawing three kunai for each fist. "It's a shame you're already a loser."

Kairi spat blood on the floor. Also standing, she simply replied, "Bite me."

So, things were getting out of hand. Before anyone could intervene, both ladies clashed in flurries of shockwave-like punches that initiated an immediate evacuation of the area. Apparently, the cops were still assessing the situation, but soon, various security guards came rushing in with stun batons—

"Get lost!" Larxene shouted, giving the floor a high-voltage ground-pound.

The ensuing splash attack sent everyone in the immediate vicinity careening in the opposite direction. Even Kairi fell victim to the spark wave, flying straight into Crash's autograph table. Consequently, the table was destroyed with a storm of photos flying everywhere; Kairi groaned, sitting up with a serious case of electro-hair.

" _Whoa!_ Trademarked," Crash yelped. "I don't think fighting that sheisty sheila's a good idea, mate."

Dusting herself off, Kairi denied, "No, I can't leave without that hot tub. Oh, and it's really nice meeting you, Mr. Bandicoot!"

Slowly, Larxene began trudging toward the gift shop, a delightful amount of hatred in her eyes.

"Please, call me Crash, and that lady wants to wear your skin, so maybe cut your losses?" Crash appeared to be getting more nervous with every step Larxene took towards them.

"No…" Kairi limped to a standing position. She uttered, "I'm doing this…for my chosen, true love—!"

"Shove it," said Larxene, now standing over the injured princess. "Last chance to run away. Because when the cops show, I plan on killing every one that steps up in front of me."

Kairi shrugged. "Sure, but how's my hair look?"

"Tch." And so, Larxene unleashed a haymaker straight into Kairi's royal belly, utilizing her sharp kunai to full effect. And then, in one fluid motion, she hooked her fist upwards, throwing the winded girl straight into the ceiling.

Belly still scorching from the stab wounds and electro-shocks, Kairi slammed back-first into the gift shop's ceiling. Briefly stuck there, she winced, "Who put this ceiling here…?"

As the girl shook loose and plummeted back down, Larxene excitedly shrieked, "Oh, God—this is gonna be so sweet!"

She timed it just right; as soon as Kairi fell close enough, Larxene threw another shock-charged fist straight into the girl's face, which was fortunately too numb to feel anything. The ensuing shockwave sent the girl flying into the back of the skateboard shop, destroying even more merchandise.

"Holy crap—I need to be in Tekken!" Larx cheered for herself.

Grimacing, Crash fussed, "Oh, man. I hate watching girls fight. Please tell me you're done shaking things up!"

"Hm. We'll see. Catch ya later, furball." And with that, Larxene departed.

Suddenly, Gex returned, franticly asking, "Crash! Are you okay?"

"Yeah, no thanks to you…"

"Sorry, I was rescuing an old lady…"

Looking for Kairi, Crash interrogated, "Well, did you at least get help?"

Gex cursed, "Crap. That would've been a better lie."

"We need to help this girl! She took a beating just now, and—"

"Don't bother," Kairi interrupted, popping out around a corner. Not only was she visibly war-torn, but she seemed to have acquired some fighting gear. More specifically, she found a pair of elbow pads, kneepads, a biker helmet, a rubber vest, and rubber gloves to help combat the electrified menace.

"Uh, sheila…?" Crash addressed her cautiously. "You look like you've had a rough day. Maybe you should sit this one out—?"

"Guns, swords, hockey sticks—I need weapons, man!" Kairi screamed before surging past them.

"Wait!" Crash called after her. Taking something out his pocket, he chucked it and said, "Take this with you!"

She turned around, eyes lighting up. Holding out her arms, she caught a fully-loaded bazooka the size of…well, a bazooka.

"Don't ask how it fit in my pocket," Crash told her. "It's got about five shots left, plus it shoots anything Wumpa-Fruit sized."

Smiling with some ill-intent, Kairi said, "Thanks, Mr. Bandicoot! I owe you one!" And with that, she darted out the shop, brandishing a deadly weapon. But then she came back, commenting, "Wow, so you say 'Wumpa' instead of 'Wamba'! That's so cool!"

"Hey—watch where you point that thing!" Gex shrieked in fear.

"Right—thanks, again!"

* * *

 **-X-**

"Yep, ah…better roll another one."

Just then, Reno's phone rang.

"Crap…it's Rude." Clicking answer, he said, "Yo."

"Dude, where the hell are you?" Rude asked. "Why am I talkin' to the cat-guy doing your job?"

"Oh, yeah, um…" Reno sucked at lying under pressure, but here goes nothing. "I had to bang a prostitute in another world."

Rude said, "Oh. Yeah?"

"Yeah, totally."

"Why another world?"

"Dammit…okay, the real reason is because I'm doing Kairi a favor."

Rude gasped. "What the…? You still talk to her after we broke up?"

"Well, yeah. She's been my friend since she became Self-Aware." (Long story.) "Just because you goofed don't mean I'm out the circle, bro."

"Well, whatever it is, don't let her get you fired. I risked my job and my nuts too many times for that girl, and all it did was get me demoted."

"Relax," Reno flippantly replied. "This is just a quick trip to the mall, so my nuts are fine. And speakin' of my nuts and fine—good god almighty!" Rolling his window down, he decided to spit a gratuitous amount of game at a group of passing female pedestrians. "Hey-hey-hey! Fashion show's this way! Yeah—yeah! We're accepting new applicants! My company's showing off our new line of swimsuits! Very expensive stuff, of course."

Rude concluded the call, "Yeah, whatever, Reno."

* * *

 **-X-**

Fully decked-out in her jerry-rigged battle armor, Kairi charged into the food court with the intention to shuck fit up. Spotting her target ten feet away, Kairi suddenly seethed with rage.

Larxene had the nerve to be ordering a sandwich. At the counter, she stood, placing an order for an open faced spicy Italian.

Facing her enemy's backside, she took aim and shot that expletive.

The Wumpa Fruit splatted on contact with the back of Larx's head, spraying purple stuff, like, everywhere. The crowded food court had fallen deafly silent.

Then Kairi shot her again, this time in the derriere.

"Give me that hot tub. Right. Now." The Princess's voice echoed.

Turning around slowly, Wumpa-splat Larxene stated, "The furball was right. I am _totally_ gonna wear your skin today."

Kairi growled. "Looks like one of us is going down."

"You're a dildo."

Behold, Larxene projected a clone, sending it forth from her rigid body. Instinctively, Kairi held up the bazooka to block an incoming right hook meant for her skull. Meanwhile, the original Larxene teleported behind the princess, preparing to drop two hammer-like fists over her.

"Oh, shit…" Kairi dove forward, narrowly avoiding the concussion. Sliding along the floor, she opened fire two more shots of Wumpa Fruits.

Larxene dashed between both fruity bombs; angrily, she yelled before kicking Kairi's bazooka away, "Eat this!"

Kairi was then subject to a barrage of kicks from Larxene and three more of her clones. Suffering, she cried, "Ah—ow—ow! Knock it off, you—!"

"Keep going 'til something snaps!" Larxene commanded her clones. "And then take a picture for Kupo+!"

During her torment, Kairi had an epiphany. She remembered a simpler time when she, Sora, and Riku would play pretend games on the island. One of their favorite games to play was "Poke the Stiff."

Sora would be the stiff, meaning he would pretend to be a dead guy on the ground. Meanwhile, Kairi and Riku would take turns poking the heck out of Sora with wooden swords. The objective of the game was to piss Sora off. You see, he had no idea he was playing in the first place. He'd just be napping like always, and his friends would come along to poke him into frustration.

Then one day, Sora totally pulled a power move. After pretending to be asleep, he waited for Riku to start poking him with his sword, and bam—he spun his leg around to trip Riku. Kairi thought it was so awesome.

Anyway, back to the present, Kairi could hear Sora's voice tell her, _"Ha! How do you like that?! How 'bout I poke_ you _with my sword, eh? You like that? Huh? You like those apples?"_

" _Geez, Sora—you're a freakin' lunatic!"_ Riku's voice said.

Then, Kairi's own voice echoed within her, _"How come you don't poke me with your sword, huh, Sora?"_

"Hyaa!" Kairi suddenly cried, spinning around to trip Larx's clones.

"What the—" Larxene yelped, watching all her different selves fall victim to her opponent's sly tactic.

Kairi scrambled back to her feet, thinking to herself, _"Oh, look, Sora! I'm on the ground, too, so why don't you try poking me with something?"_

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" She screamed at herself.

"Hey kid!" One of the customers suddenly addressed Kairi. It was a middle-aged man sitting at a table with a crazy-looking Canadian guy and a West-Coast themed younger male—okay, look, it was Michael, Trevor, and Franklin from Grand Theft Auto V.

Anyway, this is a Kingdom Hearts story. Sarcastically, Kairi asked, "Oh, hey—did you wanna jump in and maybe get involved with this mess?"

The crazy-looking Canadian guy stated, "Honestly, we are just surprised at the police's response time. I mean, if this was us, we'd be at a five-star wanted rating by now!"

The West-Coast themed black dude added, "No joke. It's like a double standard, or something."

The middle-aged guy, Michael, drew two guns and said, "Anyway, you look like you could use some firepower. Want my twin pistols?"

"You're a lifesaver, old man!" Kairi shrieked excitedly, taking the two guns.

"And how 'bout a shotgun if you got space?" Trevor offered.

Kairi checked her battle-torn outfit for spare pockets. "Uh…"

"You ain't gettin' none of my guns," Franklin stated. "I just got these painted last night. Look, it's Kermit the Frog!"

Ignoring Franklin's Kermit-themed submachine gun, Kairi nabbed Trevor's shotgun, balanced it between her legs, and took aim with the twin pistols. The only problem was she couldn't locate her target.

"Oh, crap—hey, did you guys see where that blonde chick went—oh, my God!"

Currently, Michael, Franklin, and Trevor were in a shootout with the cops. All three of them were darting for the exit while Michael explained, "Sorry, kid! We just got busted for an illegal arms deal! Catch ya later!"

Anyway, this is definitely a Kingdom Hearts story. Armed with her new weapons, Kairi spun around in place, desperately looking for her electrified rival.

"Come on out, Larxene! I'm not scared of you!"

"You should be!" said a menacing voice above her.

Putting her cheerleader-skills to the test, Kairi backflipped out of the way, loosening the shotgun between her knees to let it go airborne. Right where she had previously stood, Larxene came crashing down with a throng of her own clones.

Kairi tossed one of her pistols into the air, subsequently catching the shotgun and unleashing a storm of bullets Larx's way.

"Ah!" Larxene screamed shrilly, taking the bullet-barrage head-on. This resulted in the immediate dissipation of her clones, revealing one pissed-off dominatrix. "You just fucking shot me!"

Kairi opened the neck of her shirt to catch the renegade pistol against her bosom. Smirking evilly, she declared, "There's more where that came from. Also, how come you don't bleed?"

"As if I'd be so weak…" Larxene quickly lost her patience. "Now, I'm gonna make this look messy!"

Kairi smiled. "Well, I wasn't bettin' on 'simple and clean'." She laughed, and then sighed longingly. "I wish Sora was here."

"Die!" Larxene charged forth, lighting up the place with waves of electricity.

Kairi didn't flinch; dodging a string of jabs, she vaulted back and blasted more shotgun shells. Larxene took it straight to the chest, hardly skipping a beat as she successfully tripped Kairi.

Grounded once again, Kairi squeezed off five shots of the pistol; Larxene grimaced, catching all five in her right hand. Then, without remorse, she kicked Kairi into the sandwich vendor she was previously attending.

"Have some of this!" With that, Larxene sent a shockwave of electro-thunder across the floor into the vendor, detonating the entire area.

Oh, and the mall was totally evacuated by the way. No casualties here.

Larx wasn't finished; making a Hadouken-like motion, she blasted the sandwich shop with a triple thunder-spell, causing even more destruction.

Breathing hard, Larxene glared at the smoke and debris, hoping there was a dead princess beneath all that rubble. Smiling, she commented, "I can't believe that ditsy little princess is making me use my true power."

Suddenly punching her way out from under the vendor's remains, Kairi taunted, "You really suck at aiming. Good thing you don't have a penis. Or so I assume…"

Boiling with rage, Larxene addressed the younger girl's state of attire, "That crap you're wearing—it's mostly rubber, isn't it?!"

"I won't tell," Kairi chimed.

Silence ensued. Then, the electric blonde started cackling, first under her breath, then loud and clear. Slowly but surely, Kairi followed suit. For a golden yet brief moment, both girls enjoyed each other's company, simply laughing at the half-destroyed scenery.

* * *

 **-X-**

Sora paused in washing his Gummi ship. A cold chill went through him. The weather was too hot for cold chills.

He gazed at his bucket of water, then at the clear blue sky.

His friends were chatting in the background.

For some reason, he had the strongest urge to lay waste to some Heartless.

* * *

 **-X-**

After they'd had their collective giggle-party, the abandoned food court had fallen silent yet again. And then—

"You're gonna die, now," Larxene declared.

Dashing forward, the Savage Nymph kicked the shotgun from Kairi's grasp, following up with a roundhouse kick that barely missed the younger girl's temple. Briskly, Kairi forced her pistol into Larx's face; she pulled the trigger, only to miss due to her opponent's lightning quick reflexes.

Snatching the pistol hidden in her shirt, Kairi attempted the same tactic, producing much of the same result. Larxene had used her other forearm to move the barrel away. Then, with both their arms and forearms locked around one another, both girls had the exact same idea.

CRACK! Went their foreheads, coming together like a couple of bucking rams. They glared into each other's eyes with pure resentment. And then—

"Sorry, baby!" Larxene reached under Kairi's rubber vest, delivering a shock she wouldn't forget.

"GAAAAH!" Kairi screamed in agony.

Larxene laughed with glee as she held the captive princess overhead. Relishing her younger opponent's pain, the sadistic blonde then delivered a final blast that sent Kairi flying toward the ceiling.

In the process of getting blown skyward, Kairi's rubber vest had ripped apart, no longer useful in protecting her thin hide from the remainder of Larx's electric shock.

Following Kairi into the air, Larxene deduced that Kairi had already fallen unconscious, dishing out an additional megawatt fist that pinned her to the ceiling.

"Such a sad end," said Larxene, hanging onto a nearby chandelier. Using her free hand to hold Kairi's neck, she suddenly felt a pulse. "And you look so cute when you're on the edge of death. You'd be even more beautiful if you just died."

Kairi coughed. "Hey, Larxene…don't ask how this fit in my pocket."

Whipping out that bazooka, Kairi unloaded her final shot straight into Larx's pretty face. The Savage Nymph cried in pain as she flew backwards into the chandelier, becoming tangled within the wires and glass.

Peeling herself from the ceiling, Kairi freefell to the floor again, this time landing gracefully. She strolled over to the remains of the sandwich shop, kicked away some debris, and picked up her prized hot tub transformer. The mall's exit was just across the food court.

Sprinting as fast as her legs would carry her, Kairi scanned the ceiling; Larxene had been struggling to untangle herself from the chandelier.

"You put that down this instant! That hot tub is mine!"

Kairi ignored her, noticing the presence of a small button on the handle of the suitcase-shaped box.

"I said… _that hot tub is mine!"_

Larxene broke free; sparking from head to toe, she flew straight for Kairi like a raging meteor.

Hoping for the best, Kairi squeezed that button like a panicking mental patient.

* * *

 **-X-**

"Hm…I wonder why all these people keep running out of the mall in a panic," Reno asked himself. "Usually they run in the opposite direction, especially when there's a sale. But this is just weird." He took one last hit of his finished joint.

Eyes bugging wide, he said, "Damn. Kairi."

Bailing out his vehicle, Reno jumped at the sound of an explosion, followed by a whole section of the mall collapsing into the ground.

Sighing deeply, he stated, "Damn…. Kairi."

Helicopters arrived on the scene, dumping loads of water over destroyed buildings set ablaze.

Shaking his head, Reno groaned, "Ahhh, dammit, Kairi!"

His phone buzzed. He got a text message from: "Kairi. _Look up."_

Gazing upward, he saw a hovering hot tub slowly descending on his position. Within it, a ratchet-looking teenage girl panted over the side.

"Before you ask, yes, it kinda was all my fault, but I did it for love."

Reno sighed. "Goddammit, Kairi."

"We should probably leave and lie about what we did today."


	4. Up Up and Away

**Chapter 4: Up Up and Away**

"And this should cover the price of the Cyber-Cuzzi!"

Proudly swiping her credit card, Kairi smiled eagerly as the payment went through. General Manager Kermit the Frog didn't seem terribly pleased, but he wasn't complaining since most of his shop was still intact after all the unpleasantness.

"Okey-dokey, now just sign on the keypad," said Kermit, ignoring the crash of a falling light fixture two feet behind him.

Signing her name on the digital tablet, Kairi once again apologized, "Again, Mr. Kermit, I'm totally sorry about messing with your merch _before_ I bought it. And, of course, destroying the mall."

"Hey, no problemo. That side of the mall's not even my property, and I, uh, had full faith you'd return to pay for this flying butt-warmer."

Kairi giggled. "Thanks for having faith!"

Just then, Reno shouted from right next to Kairi, "Whoa, Kairi—look! This place has Paul Blart: Mall Cop 6: The Movie: The Videogame!"

"Put it back, Reno," Kairi commanded.

"Aw, c'mon! It's got the coolest lootbox system AND it's the director's cut—"

"I SAID PUT IT BACK!"

* * *

 **-X-**

Back outside, Kairi and Reno practically walked into a wall of cops. Law enforcement had finally responded, now preoccupied with detaining a certain spark-queen.

"Oh, crap-a-zoid," Kairi panicked. "Um, evening, officers…"

"Halt!" said one of the cops. "You're under arrest for the destruction of an entire shopping mall!"

"It was like, half, dude—"

"Both of you, put your hands behind your back—!"

"But I didn't do nothin'!" Reno yelled. "Dammit, Kairi…"

Kairi started fidgeting with her suitcase-sized hot tub. "C'mon, do something useful!"

"Don't move!" the cops yelled.

Suddenly, Larxene shouted from behind the cops, "All of you—and I mean ALL OF YOU— _can go get bent!"_

And so, the sight of uniformed officers flying in different directions alarmed Reno and Kairi. Accompanied by haphazardly placed streaks of lightning, the sound of gunfire resounded in the area with most weapons shooting off in the sky. Larxene, looking exceptionally pissed off, managed to incapacitate law enforcement and even free herself from her handcuffs. Then, she gives Kairi a glare.

"Welp, you're dead," said Reno, slapping Kairi's shoulder.

Walking up in front of Kairi, Larxene relented her glare and suggested, "Let's get the hell out of here."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Kairi grinned cheesily before saying, "Guess who just earned a free turn in the Cyber-Cuzzi!"

Cracking a smile, Larxene said, "Yeah, yeah. So, I took a B'uber to get here. Mind if I hitch a ride with you guys?"

"I don't mind." Kairi looked up at her private chauffer. "Do you mind if she tags along, Reno?"

"Freakin' A—are you kidding me?" Reno snapped. "You two just spent the last hour trying to kill each other—!"

"It was like, twenty minutes," Larxene mumbled.

"Not to mention you're both too crazy to be in the same building, let alone ride in the same car! And I don't even know you!"

Kairi said, "Of course, you do! She's Not-Elena, and you're Not-Axel! You're practically family!"

Reno simply stared suspiciously into Larx's unnerving gaze.

Kairi tried again, "Practically co-workers?"

Reno sighed. "All right. Just don't blow up my goddamn car."

Larx asked, "Is it electric or gasoline-powered?"

"Gasoline, obviously."

"Huh." Larxene smirked. "Just keep me in a good mood, and we'll have a smooth ride."

* * *

 **-X-**

So, after Kairi, Reno, and Larxene got away with property damage, assault on multiple police officers, and, to some degree, driving under the influence, they returned to Squeenix HQ and celebrated with a dip in the tub together. They even invited Sora…and Crash Bandicoot, for some reason. Anyway, they set up the Cyber-Cuzzi literally in the middle of the hallway outside of Sora's dorm room.

"Well, this is a shocker," Sora quipped. "Never thought I'd be sharing a hot tub with you, Larxene."

"Don't get used to it," Larxene said, sipping a cold beer.

Reno asked, "Wait…she can technically kill us at any moment, right? Like, all she's gotta do is crank up the voltage and we're all done for, right?"

Larxene shrugged. "Pretty sure I'd die, too. I channel electricity, not produce it. I'm not an eel."

Laughing, Crash piped up, "Oh-ho-ho, trust me! I've dealt with some nasty eels in my time, and they're not nearly as friendly or good-looking!"

"Good one, Crash," Sora plucked.

"Well, happy early-Valentine's Day, Sora!" said Kairi. "I hope you like your present."

"It's the best, Kairi," Sora said with a warm smile. "I'm a little bummed out 'cuz now I have to get you something even better."

"Aw, you know you don't have to impress me. I'm a simple girl, remember? As long as you think about me from time to time, then I don't care what you—"

"Oh, God—just go down on each other, already!" Larxene suddenly blurted out.

"Sheesh, Larxene, we were having a moment!" Sora grumbled.

"Why don't _YOU_ go down on someone!" Kairi fired back, albeit feebly.

Without responding, Larxene smirked and submerged herself underwater, so Reno crosses his fingers with a hopeful look. Unable to see past the bubbles, Sora fretted, "Oh, crap—where'd she go?"

Scanning the wavy surface, Crash informed everyone, "Just so we're clear, I do in fact have a girlfriend."

Still crossing his fingers, Reno shouted, "Oh, gee—I sure hope no one loosens my trunks! Which are already loose!"

Suddenly, Kairi gasped, shifting in her seat. That's when Larxene resurfaced, holding the top and bottom of Kairi's swimsuit. "Got 'em!"

"You suck!" Kairi cried.

"You wish," Larx retorted.

While Reno cursed under his breath, Sora laughed nervously before saying, "Well, I'm just glad you two are getting along, now. Sort of."

Using the bubbly water as cover, Kairi stated, "Before that fight, I didn't know my body was so durable. I guess I should thank you for helping me discover my hidden potential."

Larxene huffed before admitting, "Eh, you're not half bad, I guess. I expected a lot worse. You are, however, a total pain in my ass. But…you're the good kind of pain in my ass."

Kairi smiled. "That's really sweet, Larxene."

"Whatever, dildo—go get me another drink."

From outside the hot tub, Crash's agent, Gex, stood up and volunteered, "Don't worry, I got it."

Crash commended his noticeably bored agent, "Good lookin' out, Gex, old boy!"

Bringing Larxene another Ultimecia Lite Beer, Gex perked up and asked, "Say, Crash. You never told me why you were so on edge back at the autograph signing."

Being whisked back to the source of his trauma, Crash groaned, "Oh, yeah—THAT!"

Okay, guys. The story's over. There is nothing else important happening for the remainder of this document. Really. I mean it. The following exchange entails a royal ass-load of gossip, courtesy of the voices in the author's head. And I'm talking, like, an embarrassment of chitchat that has nothing to do with the plot, mostly. I'm serious. The story's done. Go on with your day.

…

And you're still here. These characters don't always say important stuff, yet somehow, their full conversation is fully documented here. For what purpose? Who flipping knows. I'll tell ya one thing. The voices in the author's head don't need a reason, apparently. So, uh, yeah. Welp, here ya go.

So, then Reno asked, "S'matter? You witnessed a murder, or something?"

"Close. I accidentally walked in on my sister doing nude aerobics at her studio. I almost went blind."

There was a string of stunned echoes among the other hot tub users. The last to speak, Sora said, "Oh, wow."

"Is she hot?" Reno asked.

"Oy, you yack-sack!" Crash hesitated. "Hmm…also I'm not sure."

Reno's voice filled up the narrow hallway of Destiny Dormitory's top floor. Laughing, he shouted, "What? No way! What she look like?"

Defensively, Crash retorted, "Buzz off, dude! I'm not gonna tell you how hot my sister is!"

Sora piped up, "C'mon, he was only kidding. But still, handsome devil like you must know a thing or two about girls. Just tell us, what's her level of hotness? Give us a ballpark."

"You know what. It's best you know nothing about her—"

Larxene was searching something on her cellphone. Excitedly, she asked, "Wait, your sister's name is Coco, right? Isn't she an entrepreneur…?"

"Oh, no, no, no—don't search that!"

Ignoring Crash's protest, Larxene showed off a flattering picture of Crash's blood relative; earning some oos and aws, the picture displayed a bikini-wearing _furry_ posing on the cover of a motorcycle magazine.

"Nice," said Reno.

"I'd hit that," said Kairi.

"Pretty sure I have that issue," said Sora.

Crash wept. "I used to love reading _Bikes N' Babes_ until she ruined it! Tan me gizzard, I need another beer." Crash looked around in confusion. "Wait, where's Gex?"

"He's down the hall," Reno answered, "trying not to be seen perving out over pictures of your smokin' hot blood-relative."

"I hate both Gex and my life right now," Crash admitted.

Unashamed, Sora informed everyone, "Hey, you know, I remember reading one of the articles in that magazine—"

Kairi, Reno, and Larxene all sucked their teeth at that remark.

"—And it said she's gotta pretty high IQ. Isn't she a genius, or something?"

"Yeah, tell me about it," said Crash. "Coco's been a right, smart aleck since…well, forever!"

"And it also said she knows martial arts," Sora reported.

Kairi scoffed. "What, do you have a photographic memory?"

"That's badass," Larxene commended. "So she's hot, smart, and liable to break someone's kneecaps? I think _I_ wanna date her…"

Crash shook his head. "Strange thing is, I bet she'd actually appreciate all this objectification. No really, she'd get a kick out of it…"

Kairi drew her own cellphone, ready to do some internet sleuthing. She asked, "Isn't she dating someone from SEGA? Yeah, she's with that Sonic guy!"

"No. Freaking. Way," Reno said again. "You know, I once tried to get Sonic's autograph, but all he wrote was 'Go Eff Yourself, Knuckles.' Guy thought I was Knuckles!"

Larxene added, "Are you talking about that blue little ass-clown with the stupid-looking red shoes? I hate, hate, _hate_ that guy. All he does is post pictures of the dumbest shit—like one time, he literally took a picture of a street turd wearing a dunce cap. He got a million likes on it. God, he's awful."

Crash revealed, "Yeah, me and Sonic used to be best pals until the numb-nuts started dating my sister. Now I hate his rotten guts."

Still reading a Wikipedia article from her phone, Kairi added, "Huh, she also dated Pac-Man, Yoshi, Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, Middle-Aged Man from Sonic '06, Sly Cooper, Donkey Kong, Ratchet from Ratchet and Clank, the kid from Ape Escape, and Duke Nukem from Duke Nukem. Hey, Crash? Is your sister a whore?"

"Oh, for cryin' out loud!" Crash shrieked. "Maybe you should've just invited Coco instead of me!"

Larxene addressed Kairi's query, "Hey, just 'cuz she dates a lot doesn't make her a whore. Trust me, I know the rules."

"Just sayin'! That's a lot of dongs to go through and not at least go down on them." Kairi's state of undress must have caused such bluntness.

Finally, Sora interjected, "Okay, before you get bandicoot-slapped, Kairi, it's important to note that most of those guys you just listed are stupid as bricks. If Coco's as smart as they say she is, she obviously just used them for notoriety."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Crash said, "Gosh, I really hope you're right, Spiky. Although she didn't start dating all those losers until after her fling with Sonic. I mean…I think he _changed_ the poor girl…"

"That's. It!" Kairi suddenly shouted. "I have to get to the bottom of this! Crash, I say we go have a chitchat with your sister and determine how much of a whore she is!"

Laughing, Sora said, "Kairi, you gotta stop saying that word…"

Perturbed, Crash Bandicoot asked, "Why the heck is that even important?!"

"Because—!" Kairi almost stood up in the hot tub, quickly situating herself back down. She held out her hand towards Larxene, snapping her fingers whilst commanding, "My swimsuit. Give it back."

"Oh, you mean this?" Larxene threw that sucker down the hallway.

"Ugh." Kairi simply glared at Sora, who sighed.

"Don't worry, I'll get it."

Kairi continued her rant, "Because! I look up to Coco! And what better way to connect with my idol than through her awesome brother!"

"Well, I am pretty awesome," Crash marinated on this. "Ah, what the heck. Your being there might be able to ease the awkwardness of our next encounter."

Sora returned with both pieces to Kairi's swimsuit. "And just for the record, you've looked up to Coco for the past two minutes."

Kairi slipped back into her swimsuit, standing up with a wide grin. "So what do you say, Mister Bandicoot? Wanna go pay Coco a visit?"

Crash scratched the back of his mohawk. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but sure. Let's go see if my sister's a whore."

And so, they got dried off, dressed, and left Reno to attempt flirting with Larxene in the Cyber-Cuzzi.

Kairi told them, "Hey, I've got that thing rigged to explode if you two try any funny business while we're gone."

"Yeah, just make sure to move it away from my room before it blows up, please," Sora added, leading the way to the thirteenth floor's elevator.

"Roger, roger," said Reno. He turned to Larxene. "So, ya shop Diesel?"

Meanwhile, Sora had reached the elevator, pressing the button as he said, "So I'm guessing it's the 'genius intellect' part of Coco you idolize, correct?"

"Of course, it is," Kairi replied. "But being a supermodel who knows kung fu also helps."

"Well, I'd say you've got a majority of those down," Sora quipped.

"A majority?"

Crash chuckled; the elevator arrived, opening to reveal an empty carriage. Sora replied, "Well, yeah…you just got to show me a little more about yourself."

"Hmph," Kairi huffed, stepping into the elevator first. "And here, I thought I was making all the right points obvious. Tell me, Sora. What am I missing?"

After all three had ventured into the elevator and chose the base floor, Crash faux-panicked, "Uh, oh, Sora! It's a trap! Just get out of there!"

Rebellious as ever, Sora replied, "First, I gotta ask—what do you think you're missing?"

Kairi scoffed. "You're cheating."

"What? I'm just kidding! You got it all, dumbass!" Sora said that.

The elevator doors had long since closed, prompting the carriage to slowly descend downward. Meanwhile, Kairi had lurched at Sora, delivering a sharp jab to the arm. That's when Sora asked, "Hey, you think we have time for a smoothie?"

"Geez, Sora, whaddya eat all day?" Kairi countered.

"I _eat_ what's necessary to survive," Sora answered, crossing his arms. "Like smoothies."

"Sounds like junk food. I'm surprised you don't go broke or even out of shape."

"No kidding." Sora pat down his belly. "It seems to be doing the trick, though. Besides, you don't see me grilling you about your secret lifestyle."

"What secret lifestyle?" Kairi began to look paranoid.

"The life you have outside Square Enix Headquarters. Face it, you're just as famous as I am in those other worlds.

"Especially my world," Crash jumped in, speaking of Activision.

Kairi shrugged. "Okay, so I got in a little trouble off the radar. Big whoop! I practically do it in my sleep…"

"Well, while you're out adventuring you could at least tell me which worlds have the best smoothies. And pizza. And burgers. And fries. And Nachos—"

Crash interjected. "Damn. Now I'm hungry.'

"Smoothie Shop's probably closed, anyway," Kairi surmised.

Checking his phone, Sora replied, "Nope. We've got fifteen minutes."

"What else do they sell there, besides smoothies?" Crash asked. "Or was that a dumb question?"

"Not too dumb," Sora said. "They do sell protein shakes, candy bars, and even pretzels."

"I'll take a little diddy of pretzels," said Crash.

The elevator stopped at the first floor, letting out its passengers into a semi active common area. The presence of numerous people caused Crash to don a pair of shades in order to better disguise his celebrity status.

As they made for the exit of Destiny Dormitory, Kairi brought up the fact that Larxene almost killed her that day.

"Multiple times. I don't even know what happens when I die. Like, do I respawn or do I glitch out?"

"Did you forget what happened in Capcom World? You and I faded out of consciousness and then revived immediately afterward. I imagine it's like that." Kairi still didn't seem convinced, so Sora nudged her on the way out the door, saying, "Cheer up. Not every world has tried to kill you. There's always good ole Squeenix."

"Hm, right. And for your information, I've gone to a number of worlds and returned without incident."

"You even remember which ones?" Sora asked.

"Yeah, of course I do. I've been to SEGA, Insomniac, Sony Santa Monica, Nintendo for like a week, and even From Software."

On their way through the courtyard, which shined from the afternoon sun, Sora retaliated, "Sounds like you're bragging. Not to put you to shame but I've also been to Insomniac and From Software. And let's not forget about Titanfall in Bluepoint, Bethesda, Team Ninja, 2K Games, Bandai Namco, and even Capcom."

Kairi retorted, "Proud of yourself? For knowing how to sneak off without Square knowing about it?"

"Yeah, actually," said Sora. "Remember when I said we should go to different worlds, discovering new smoothies? Come with me for once. We'll pick a nice and hot day on New Zack Island."

"New Zack?" Kairi repeated. "Hm, I'll think about it."

Excited for Sora, Crash pointed out, "Hey that doesn't mean 'no!' You almost gotta a date, kiddo!"

"What? It' s not a date!" said a reddening Sora. "It's more like an ice cream reconnaissance mission, starring just the two of us."

Kairi chirped, "Oh, so now we're looking for ice cream, too?"

"Or smoothies. Whatever boats your float."

Crash admitted, "I can go for a root beer float right about now."

"They actually sell those, right next door from the Smoothie Shop," Sora informed. "At a place called Ice Cream Shop."

"The city planner wasn't very creative," Kairi noted.

As they approached the town square where most of the food vendors were located, Crash added, "As long as I get something cold in my system, I couldn't care less if the place was called 'Bandicoot Fur Coats.'"

Tapping his chin, Sora said, "Ya know, I could use a new coat." After receiving a disturbed stare from Crash, Sora clarified, "Not one that's fur, of course! Just one that fits a gritty 'pirate look.' Next time we go to Jack's world in KH3, I wanna look like an actual pirate."

Kairi quipped, "Pirates steal booty. Whose booty you gonna steal, Sora?"

"Oh, just the booty of a noblewoman who's basically begging to get plundered and pillaged of all her possessions including her arsenal of undergarments." Sora narrowed his gaze with a smirk. "You know anybody like that?"

Right outside the smoothie shop, Sora opened the door for Kairi before handing it off to Crash and then saying, "A true pirate lets the treasure come to him."

"Oh, boy—you need to write a book," Crash murmured.

Kairi said, "Well, pick a smoothie. I'm buying."

Initially taken aback, Sora asked, "What do you mean you're buying?"

"We both know you're still looking for a job. Just cut yourself some slack and let me handle it."

"Well, when you put it like that—blackberry, please and thanks."

Crash intervened, "Don't be silly! I've got the bill." He asked the youngster behind the counter, "You guys take gold coins, right?"

"We sure do," said Hayner, the leader of the Twilight Town gang and store team member of the Smoothie Shop. "Hey, wait a minute, aren't you Crash Bandicoot?"

Lifting his sunglasses, Crash answered, "In the furry flesh!"

"You gotta let me get a selfie!" Hayner begged, hopping over the counter to greet them.

"Nice to see you, too, Hayner," Kairi droned.

Taking said selfie with the smoothie clerk, Crash requested, "Now you gotta promise me you'll post that after I leave here. I don't wish to get swarmed by excited fans just yet. Capishe?"

"Sure thing, Mister Bandicoot!" said Hayner.

Suddenly, Sora called from next to the register, "Hey! We need some service over here!"

"Yeah, move it, or lose it!" Kairi echoed.

Whilst taking multiple selfies, Hayner commented, "I don't know how you ended up here with these guys but look me up sometime! I'm The-Hayner-Trainer on Kupo+, Capchat, and Kweh, all low caps except the beginnings of each word."

"Yeah, no promises kid," Crash muttered.

Once Hayner returned to his occupational duties, Sora and Kairi cried, "Finally!"

Crash butted in, "I'll take a Wumpa Fruit flavor smoothie."

"Sorry, we don't carry Wumpa Fruit," Hayner said.

"That's just plain foul," said Crash. "Oh, well. How 'bout mango?"

"We have mango," Hayner said, preparing the bandicoot's smoothie.

"Hey, I thought you wanted ice cream from next door," Sora remarked.

Crash said, "Changed my mind. I'm lactose intolerant."

"Blackberry and lemon for us, please," Kairi ordered with a smile.

"Comin' up."

"You actually like the lemon here?" Sora questioned.

"What, you don't?" Kairi countered.

"Lemons deserve a slush-like texture that smoothies just don't bring to the table." Sora checked his phone. "We better get to my Gummi ship before they start patrolling—and before Hayner posts those pictures—yeah, we see you doing that, by the way!"

Hiding his phone, Hayner hissed, "Hey, screw you, Sora!"

Kairi pestered, "Will you just hand over our drinks already?"

"Comin' up," said Hayner, annoyed.

"Guy must be wetting his pants because he's never seen a walking-talking bandicoot," Sora accurately surmised.

"I said, 'Comin' up!'" Hayner repeated.

"Hayner's wet every time I see this guy," Kairi recalled. "He's either drooling, sweating, pissing, or even—"

"Freaking shut up!" shouted Hayner.

"Jizzing, she was gonna say jizzing," Sora replied. "And watch your tone, or else we'll add bleeding to that list, ahem…" Sora paused for dramatic effect. "…numb-nuts."

"Screw you, Sora!" Hayner said again. "At least I'm not fumblin' around, crying all the time like some sap, bitch, punk!"

Sora practically snatched Kairi up in the air, holding her body before him to showboat whilst hurling the following, "Hold it! That's called being sensitive, and as you can see from Exhibit-A here, it gets wenches!"

Hayner practically threw their drinks at them. "Whatever, ya Moogle-bopper. Take your drinks and get lost! Oh, and nice meeting you Mister Bandicoot!"

"Stay in school, kid," Crash said, leading the way back to the outside world.

"Patrols start soon," Kairi pointed out. "We'd better not get caught after curfew, or else they'll exile you, Sora."

Sora agreed, "Believe me, I do _not_ wanna have to deal with Squeeny's fuzz. Let's haul ass!"

"Hauling ass," Crash echoed. "But wait—why would they exile someone from their own world?"

"That's a long story, Crash," Kairi chimed. "So long, you might think we're yanking your tail."

"I ain't got no tail!" Crash exclaimed.

Sora interjected, "In that case, I got in heaps of trouble when I started a war between Square Enix and loads of other game devs. I think that was the same day the milk in my fridge expired."

Kairi cut him off, "Ugh, no one wants to hear that! Tell him about the work you did with that little tiger-guy and his robot lunchbox."

"Oh, yeah! So, I needed work after the whole 'Everyone Wants to Kill Me' incident, and luckily, a guy named Ratchet had intel about a renewable resource just being discovered in another world. Then, we picked up a guy named Jak and went guns blazin'—"

"Whoa, whoa—you know Jak?" Crash asked.

"That's right, you two are from the same world. Yeah, we've been fighting space pirates all week. I think they're tryna beat my high score!"

Kairi asked, "Should we tell him what the new resource turned out to be?"

Sora shook his head, "Nah. I'm sure he already knows."

Shrugging, Crash said, "If it's anything like Jak told me, there used to be an endless amount of these things?"

"Yeah," said Sora. "Used—"

"Used to be," said Kairi. "But now, they're saying it grows in hotter climates, so maybe we'll find more on our island."

Sora pondered aloud, "I'm still not sure if I should sell 'em or hog 'em all to myself once we find more Paopu Fruit."

"Paopu, eh?" Crash repeated. "I hope it tastes better than it sounds…"

"Eh, it's gotta kick to it," Sora revealed. "Also, don't tell anyone we've tried it yet—it's like, way against the rules."

"Copy that," said Kairi.

Crash took note of something. "Sheesh, the two of you live under a boatload of someone else's authority. Ever thought about moving out?"

"Yes, all the time!" Kairi nearly shrieked. "It's only because we're still teenagers in our latest game that we can't enjoy the privilege of seeing new worlds!"

"Again, I don't mean to brag…" Sora almost bragged.

"Yeah, I know you've snuck out, but I'm talking about going off on our own because we can, because that's what we want to do!"

Sora shrugged. "I'm still not seeing the difference. Maybe it's different for you. I just know I can't stay chained up in a place that won't even let me use swear words."

They reached the entrance of the parking garage, moving quickly to the stairwell.

Crash inquired, "Are you sure? 'Cuz I've heard you swear like a sailor up until now."

Kairi demonstrated, "He can still say some words, like ass and bitch, but he can't say (expletive) or (expletive)."

"Wow," said Crash.

They entered the stairwell, venturing upward as Sora elaborated, "If I use up all my censor bleeps, I'm told I get robbed of all my Potions and Hi-Potions. Happened to me once. It would've sucked if I didn't use Elixirs like a real man."

"Oh, speaking of items!" Kairi suddenly recalled.

"Oh, here we go," Sora seemed to be dreading this point.

"Gimme some Elixirs!" Kairi not-so-politely requested.

"You have got to start slinging your own," said Sora extracting a couple of healing items from his left pouch.

"Don't worry about me. You're protecting precious goods with these!" Kairi more-or-less thanked.

Sora led the way out onto the second floor, where Sora's Gummi ship, the _Highwind_ sat parked across the garage.

Crash asked, "We're just going to my sister's house, right? I don't need to worry about you disturbing the peace, do I?"

Sora laughed out loud. "Oh, Crash. You're not used to riding with us, are you?"

Kairi assumed, "I _know_ you heard us talking about breaking the rules, almost getting exiled, starting a war, destroying a shopping mall—hey, you were there for that last one!"

"Okay, yeah—but what are the odds of us getting there without incident?"

Sora and Kairi went into thinking mode, saying, "Well…"

That's when Crash came to his senses and said, "Aw, who am I kiddin'? I can't even eat breakfast without explosions in my pancakes."

"That's the spirit," Sora chimed, smirking. "Hey, maybe Coco will show us some karate moves before we go!"

"You'll likely get to see them the moment our eyes meet," Crash visibly dreaded. "She's one hot-tempered little Peruvian Puff-Pepper, I tell ya."

They reached the Gummi ship; commanding the latch to open, Sora hopped up and gave Kairi a hand, also allowing Crash onboard.

Keying in on his GPS, Sora clarified, "Activision, right?"

"That's the place," said Crash.

Kairi found out she could adjust and move her seat to any location of the cabin, therefore she began spinning in place. "Tell me this thing has warp speed!"

Sora chastised, "Hey, knock it off! You'll throw off my missile-lock."

"Pfft! This thing doesn't have missiles," Kairi assumed.

"Does to! I'm packin' enough heat for the whole family. And their ugly pets, too." The _Highwind_ buzzed to life; steering his way out of the parking garage, Sora added, "I'll try not to kill anything."

Kairi stated, "I can't believe I'm going back to Activision! I'm probably wanted at four stars over there! Scratch that—five! Those fascist animals are probably gonna blame _me!"_

"Which is why we need only worry about getting to Coco's place, asking if she's a slut-bucket, and getting the heck out!" Sora analyzed.

Watching as their aircraft zoomed across the courtyard, Crash bemoaned, "You two are going to get me skinned…"

"Lighten up!" said Kairi. "At least you got to sit in a jacuzzi before you died."

"That just reminded me. We left Reno and Larxene in the Cyber-Cuzzi," said Sora. "You might have to return that thing if they get busy in it."

"Don't worry! I had it timed to explode about…ten minutes ago," said Kairi.

"Wait, you weren't kidding? You actually had it blow up?" Sora asked.

"Oh! Did I say explode? I meant transform back into a suitcase. Sorry. Been having lots of explosions on my mind, lately."

Sora cocked an eyebrow. "So, somewhere on the thirteenth floor of Destiny Dormitory, there's a suitcase with two mutilated bodies nearby?"

"Aha, but I already thought of that," Kairi revealed. "My Cyber—I mean, our Cyber-Cuzzi gives a ten-second countdown before transforming into suitcase mode. So, there's a good chance they made it out alive. And also a high chance there's water everywhere. Crap…. Besides, Reno knows to guard it with his life if Larxene tries to steal it."

"Freakin' Reno?! You want me to trust freakin' Reno with protecting my brand new Cyber-Cuzzi?" Sora considered turning back around.

"Ugh, fine, I'll text him," Kairi relented.

"And call him numb-nuts, but don't say it's from me," Sora added. "Ah, screw it. Say it's from me."

Kairi finished typing her message, "…put the hot tub in my room, please. Sora says, 'numb-nuts.'"

"Thank you," said Sora, smiling warmly.

As the Gummi ship began departing from Squeenix HQ's atmosphere, Crash asked, "On a different note, do you think those Activision cops recognized you, Kairi?"

"What, you mean from my game? No, I don't think they figured out that part," Kairi assumed.

Sora stated, "We'll be on the lookout for wanted posters. Meanwhile, you could tell us the address just so we're not flying around their radar."

Crash replied, "You're gonna wanna hit Ninth Street in the Kazoo District and find the High Rise, where all the evil, rich people live. Oh, and my sister."

"Hey, if she's evil, maybe we can get a solid fight in!" said Sora. Receiving an annoyed look from Kairi, he added, "What? I'm getting rusty."

Kairi chuckled. "Sucks for you. My fight with Larxene really, really hit the spot."

"I remember the last time I fought Larxene," Sora recalled. "That was a really good waste of Ethers."

Kairi's phone notified her of a new message. "Oh, Reno texted me back. He says drop dead and the hot tub's in his closet. "

"Oh, good. What a numbnuts." Sora said that.

There was a brief awkward silence. Then, Kairi interrogated, "Why do you still hate Reno, Sora?"

"I do not hate Reno," Sora responded. "I just think he should watch how much he drinks."

"Oh, come on. That party was months ago. I'm sure he didn't mean to get personal…"

"He called me the Prince of Stupid! Me! C'mon, everyone knows I should've slugged him!"

"And it's good that you didn't," Kairi noted. "Besides, it was _kind of_ funny when he called Riku the Prince of Blindfolds and Roxas the Prince of Memory Loss."

"Agree to disagree. But boy, what I wouldn't give to slug Reno. Or Rude, for that matter…"

Kairi declared, "You're really about to bring him up?"

"Hm. No, not really. But…have you seen him get punched lately?"

Kairi giggled. "No, not since Capcom World."

She moved her seat alongside Sora's pilot chair, leaning on his shoulder with a tight squeeze.

She asked, "Remember what we did after Capcom World?"

Sora smirked, saying, "I vaguely recall something simple, but not so clean…"

Just as Kairi commenced a series of playful pinching, Crash piped up, "Um, off-topic question—how many years young are you two again?"

Kairi gave her usual answer, "Mentally, we're legal and responsible."

Crash scoffed. "I tell myself that every day, ya know."

Sora cruised through outer space, venturing further away from the world of Square Enix Headquarters. Following some signs that pointed them towards the Lanes Between, Sora added, "Well, people tell me I act like a grown-up who acts like a child, so that still makes me legal, mentally."

Curious, Crash asked, "So, when do you get the opportunity to age, so to speak?"

Kairi answered, "Well, let's see, if we don't die in the story of Kingdom Hearts III, our game devs might just let us finish puberty."

Sora chuckled. "If we do end up aging, I'm definitely gonna miss the trouble my current body brings."

"I highly doubt you'll miss out on any troublemaking, whether you're an old man or a widdle boy," Kairi said that.

"Hmph." Suddenly, Sora asked, "Hey have you decided on a Halloween outfit, yet?"

"Are you talkin' about one for Halloween Town, or Halloween itself?" Kairi asked.

"I highly doubt we're doing Halloween Town again. No, the actual day."

"Oh, that's easy. I'm gonna be Morrigan Aensland."

Sora thought about that for a second. "You're gonna be a Scottish Boob Lady?"

"Pretty sure there's a different name for it…" Kairi shrugged. "I was thinking about going to a Halloween party this year."

"So? You go to one every year."

"Yeah, but Selphie and I were talking about throwing one without Square Enix's supervision…or permission. That means I get to wear something a lot more revealing than that witch outfit they gave me." Sora laughed out loud, prompting Kairi to ask, "What' so funny?"

Sora stifled his laughter, "It's just that those game devs are so worried about finishing Kingdom Hearts III, and here you are trying to pick out a slutty Halloween costume. It's so wrong, it's right!"

"Yeah, well, I'm not losing sleep. Every single time we disobey their rules, suddenly they have all these new ideas for KH III. It's almost like we're making the game ourselves."

"Hmph…" Sora figured now was a good time to touch upon the following. "I bet those bigwigs are talking about making Riku the new protagonist."

"They are," Kairi responded, caressing Sora's arm. "And you know what that means…"

Sora rode in silence for a moment before answering, "Yeah…they wanna make you and him a couple for KH III. But…that's just the story mode."

"Still, that could alter our entire lives."

"…Hm. Guess it was nice knowin' ya."

"—Hey…!"

Sora passed up a sign that read Disney Company Outlet Mall Next Right. Thoughtfully, he reflected, "I can't imagine Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie will be affected. Maybe I'll go hang out with them after my next game screws me over."

Kairi rolled her eyes. "Don't forget: Wakka's slow, Tidus is a loudmouth, and no one can stand Selphie. Oh wait, you might actually fit in!"

"Yeah, fitting in…call it my gift," said Sora. "What I need to do is make munny off of fitting in. Sorta like, getting paid to show up to places."

"Is that really how your brain works? Do the minimal effort possible and hope to be compensated?"

"Yes—and I want a gold medal for it."

"Aw," Kairi said for some reason.

"Aw, what?" Sora asked.

"Now I'm wishing I gave you something like that instead of a hot tub." Somehow, Kairi triggered a hidden function that allowed their seats to meld together, forming one long pilot's loveseat.

"What the—?" Sora didn't know about that function.

Kairi didn't skip a beat. "You deserve much more than an 'F' on your exam, especially after all you've done for everyone. Just saying—Yen Sid's kind of a douche."

"Never mind the Mark of Mastery. Even Terra thinks it's a waste of time. When I first heard about it, I thought they were gonna torch me with a branding iron. Now, I'm starting to think I'd prefer that."

Kairi pinched him extra hard.

Swerving a bit, Sora yelped, "Ow! Are you crazy?"

Rolling up the sleeve on Sora's jacket, Kairi replied, "I got your Mark of Mastery, right here."

Suddenly, they heard a low snoring behind them. Crash wasn't even faking. He was passed out asleep.

Kairi felt a shiver up her spine. Finally, she noticed, "We've been talking for a long time."

Sora boasted, "I was planning on talking myself to death."

Behold, she leaned in to plant a kiss on his cheek. However, Sora turned to face her before the kiss landed, resulting in a mutual lull to observe their new proximity.

Sora was totally going to go for it, but an extra loud snore from Crash wiped the moment. After reaching the world of Activision, Sora followed Crash's instructions to Ninth Street in the Kazoo District. He and Kairi enjoyed the various sights and sounds of another living, breathing city that was quite different from Square Enix.

Just as Sora located visitor parking for the High Rise, Crash woke up screaming, "WHOA! Trademarked."

"Everything okay?" Sora asked.

"Sure, just had a night terror that may or may not have involved a psychotic sibling of mine." Crash also noticed, "And I see you two are taking it steady."

Sora parked the _Highwind_ , allowing everyone to disembark and travel along a cobblestone path.

Kairi suggested, "We should see if they have mini-golf here."

Crash led the way up a staircase affixed to the apartment complex, replying, "One act of mass vandalism at a time, lass."

Sora reminded, "Don't forget public intoxication, if I have anything to say about it."

They'd ventured to the third floor, where Crash stopped in front of Coco's door. Slapping his face, the bandicoot moaned, "I'm havin' second thoughts about this, guys."

Sora stepped past Crash and rattled on the door, saying, "Don't be nervous. It's just your sis."

They heard footsteps beyond the closed door, prompting Crash to jump behind Kairi and whimper, "Oh, God—I don't wanna do this anymore!"

"It's gonna be fine, Crash!" Kairi assured with a smile. "Remember, this is more about us than it is about you!"

The door opened to reveal a blonde female bandicoot (bandicootess) clutching a glass of wine in one hand and a socket wrench in the other. Looking as agitated as her brother, she said, "'Bout time you showed up."

"'Bout time you threw some damn clothes on," Crash overdosed on the sass.

Indeed, Coco was fully-clothed in jeans and a white T. Short on patience, she growled, "You did NOT have to run away screaming like a little girl!"

Crash crossed his arms, saying with a righteous tone, "I had no other choice."

"Drama Queen." Then, Coco addressed Sora and Kairi, "Who are your new friends, bro?"

"I'm Sora!" Sora shouted unnecessarily.

"And Kairi!" Kairi also yelled her name.

Crash gave their quick backstories, starting with Kairi, "This one destroyed the mall today, and this one somehow knows Jak."

Staring Kairi deep in the eyes, Coco asked, "Wait, that was you?"

Kairi said, "Yeah, but the other girl started it. Kinda got my ass kicked, too."

Coco observed her visitors closely. Finally, she quietly asked, "Are you two holding my brother prisoner?"

Sora answered, "Um…no."

"No, we're here for a different reason. Well, two!" Kairi announced. "One, to make it less awkward on you and Crash, and two, to sit down and talk about the adventures of womanhood. I'm only fifteen and desperately in need of guidance."

Puzzled, Sora asked, "I thought you wanted to ask about her ex-boyfriends?"

"Goddammit, Sora," said Kairi.

Coco opened her door, welcoming them, "Either way, come in. You two seem reasonably down to earth."

* * *

 **-X-**

Kairi and Coco connected on an emotional and intellectual level. And Sora was right about Coco using those men for fame and notoriety. To Crash's relief, Coco had only ever been intimate with Sonic, and weirdly enough, Bubsy the Cat when they were drunk for New Year's.

Sora and Kairi continued to have wacky adventures. They ignored most of their Kingdom Hearts III cutscene duties, hardly even aware that game was still in development.

Larxene and Reno started dating for a while. Their fling lasted two weeks. It ended when Larxene stabbed Reno in the pelvis with her kunai.

Crash later decided to start up a support group for men with oddly attractive sisters. The group sessions became so popular that they extended the category to "oddly attractive female relatives." That group got out of hand fast, so they cut it back down to just sisters.

Kermit the Frog got a new job at Overcrossfit University, working as the general manager for a protein shake vendor.

Kingdom Hearts III is still far off memory that's like a scattered dream.

* * *

 **-X-**

Read and Review, Pls!


	5. Nothing Was The Same

**A/N:** Shout out to Google translate for helping screw up my Japanese.

 **Chapter 5: Nothing Was the Same**

"Screw you, Crash—I'm free with my body. End of story!" Coco nearly shouted, also nearly spilling her drink.

"Yeah, well, the story's still happening for some strange reason," Crash replied. "Also, lock your freaking door if you're gonna get all natural with yourself."

"Heads up, Kairi," Sora said, checking his phone. "It looks like you're public-enemy-number-one around here."

"What do you mean?"

Both peering at Sora's phone, they observed a social network post regarding whom the public deemed a bad apple.

"You've been Namco'd by at least three hundred people," Sora reported.

Gasping, Kairi said, "What? Who in their right mind would Namco me? Why would—? Oh, yeah, the mall."

According to the Bandai Namco app, being Namco'd or Bandai'd was indicative of how certain individuals felt about you. To be Bandai'd was a good thing, meaning people wanted that person to be recognized for their excellent behavior, and it was totally free of charge. On the converse, to be Namco'd was the last thing someone would want, especially at Kairi's level of Namco—not to mention, it costs money, but some people were willing to pay to have a certain someone dealt with.

"We should prob'ly leave ASAP," said Sora.

"No kidding. Who are these jerks who Namco'd me?" Kairi wondered out loud, taking hold of Sora's phone. Recognizing a name, she spouted, "Oh, no! Not you, Kermit!"

Sora whistled. "Wow. Says he was the first one to Namco you, too."

"That green rat…. Geez, they've got the pool over twelve thousand points. That's like…ten thousand gil!"

What Kairi was referring to is the Namco pool, a bounty-like system that pooled together everyone's disapproval of a person in monetary form. This was bad news for Kairi since any Bandai Namco app user could insert money to raise one's Namco level; the higher the level, the more likely—

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG went a knock at the door.

Coco used this as an opportunity to chastise her brother, "See? That's how you greet someone's house! You don't just go barging—"

BOOM! The door burst off its hinges, revealing an army of eight-foot tall robot men with red mohawks all standing outside. One particular robot stood with his fist out, letting everyone know he was the one to break the door down.

"…in." Coco finished.

Crash derided his sis, "Now who looks stupid?"

Suddenly, a human voice amongst the army of robots snarled, "No shi no toki ga kimashita."

Sora jumped up from the couch, Keyblade in hand, snarling right back, "Who said that?"

"No zaisan o hakai shita orokamonodesu," said the voice again, this time accompanied by floating white words suspended between Sora and co. and the robot army. The words read, "You are the fool who destroyed my property."

"What the…?" Sora sputtered. "Are those subtitles?"

"G kōporēshon Attalettic Sopporaisu no shoyū-shadeari, anata wa hakai sa reta shōhin no daikin o shiharaimasu.." Once again, white words appeared out of thin air, informing everyone, "I am the owner of G Corporation Athletic Supplies, and you shall pay for the destroyed merchandise."

Suddenly, the robot army started moving aside, revealing a Japanese man in a long black overcoat. His left iris glowed red, accompanied by a scar beneath both eyes, which he used to stare Kairi down.

"Shinu tokidesu." The words read, "It is time to die."

Fed up with the threatening talk, Sora barked, "Oh, just beat it! We're not gonna let you do this!"

"How did you even find me?" Kairi demanded.

The scarred man said the following mouthful, and, right on cue, the subtitles appeared, telling everyone, "You left behind DNA. With our G Corporation DNA trackers, it was almost too easy to locate you."

Crash piped up, "I don't care how ya found us, no one bounty-hunts my friends!"

The coat-wearing man said something else in Japanese, and this time, the subtitles read, "Quiet, rodent!"

Kairi gasped after reading that. "Don't talk to him like that—he's Crash Freakin' Bandicoot!"

Sora huffed and said, "I've had enough! Leave, or suffer the consequences!"

"Hmph," the man grunted before taking a battle stance. Then, his subtitles read as he spoke, "Do your worst, child."

It looked like a fight waiting to happen, but not before Coco stood between them, asking politely, "Aaaactually, could you guys take this outside—WHOA!"

Coco ducked under a flying punch meant for Sora's head; the Keyblade wielder blocked said attack.

That's when Crash attempted to dish out a running kick from afar. This was blocked, parried, and transitioned into a throw that sent Crash rocketing out the window. Needless to say, Coco's apartment was on the second floor, so the bandicoot ate a nasty fall.

Meanwhile, Sora was witnessing some _foul_ combos. Unable to even fathom how he—or they—were doing it, Sora progressively backstepped to avoid receiving tandem jabs and kicks from both the mysterious man and his army of mohawk-bots. Seriously, they were all phalanxed-up, shoulder-to-shoulder, continuously striking anything in front of them like a moving wall of death. Or at least a concussion. Yeah, like a guaranteed concussion.

As Sora, Kairi, and Coco continued to backstep deeper into the apartment, the bandicootess revealed her plan in a more-or-less concerned tone of voice, "Okay, so here's the deal. This is my home, and even I'm totally okay with chasing my brother out that window! I say we jump on the count of three. One…"

"Meet your end!" said the subtitles.

"Two…"

"Did Crash die? Or should we even worry about that, 'cuz I'm a little confused on the whole "extra life" thing?" Sora asked.

"Three!"

All three turned around and bailed out the window, freefalling until Sora took either party member by the hand and kicked off the building's side; they landed amid a parking lot with nary a scratch. Pointing at Crash, who was dented face-first in someone's Camaro, Coco requested, "Quick! Help me peel this off!"

"There she is!" However, a mob of angry people formed at the neighborhood's gates, threatening to break them down. One such mob-member poked a gun through the gates and fired it four times.

Sora cursed, "What the _shit?!_ Okay, everyone into my ship!"

Just then, the scarred man dove out the window and glided down between Sora and the Gummi ship. Taking a fighting stance, the mysterious man said, "Yameru!"

"We're not gonna let you blame everything on Kairi," Sora declared. "Sure, some of it was her fault, but how hard is it to rebuild a shopping mall for videogame characters? I mean, isn't all this just data?"

The mysterious man responded with subtitles, "Would she be willing to help rebuild the mall in her free time?"

"Of course!" Sora agreed for her, but then said, "But it doesn't mean she'll actually show up."

"She has no choice," said the captions below the man's marred face. "By now, my store would've sold out of our new product, the Athletic Bubble Suit, but now, high-paying customers have to drive all the way to _Nintendo_ to pay my bills!"

Sora looked back at the princess. "Whad'ya say, Kairi? Wanna do the right thing and help these people rebuild their mall?"

"The whole mall?" she repeated. Pouting first, she answered, "Fine. But we can't tell Nomura about this."

Sora said to the mysterious man, "See? She agrees, now will ya leave us alone?"

The man nodded and said, "Sure, but first I must kill you."

Sora just got done reading the subtitles, "…must kill you—wait, _what?!_ _Why?"_

"I _must_ be the winner of this week's Namco Pool," the man explained. "It's nothing personal, scum."

A skirmish broke out; Sora took the defensive as his opponent unleashed combos with great quickness. Not just fast strikes, but curiosity blitzed the Keyblade wielder, as he asked, "Who are you?"

"My name is not of importance. Die."

And so, Sora said in his Japanese Voice-Over, "Kon'nichiwa, Sora-desu. Anatahadare?"

At first, the man looked shocked, but then said, "I don't care what language you speak. Today, you will meet your end!"

Just then, a flock of mohawk-bots came soaring from the abandoned apartment's window, causing Kairi, Coco, and Crash to scramble.

The Keyblade wielder blocked a lunging kick and continued to pry, "C'mon! _Pl-ee-ze?"_

The man paused mid-punch. "Just use the app!"

Sora gave a deadpan expression before going on a cynical tirade, "Like I'm gonna stop in the middle of a fight, pull out my cellphone, and start messing around on Kupo+. No really, why don't we take a selfie?"

After snapping a sarcastically photogenic picture with the stoic fighter, Sora realized his Kupo+ app automatically detected the man's face and dropped a tag, "Kazuya Mishima" as the man's name.

"You wouldn't happen to be a butt-four salesman, would ya?" Sora asked out of the blue.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"A butt-four salesman…?"

"Nandesuka…batto-fo?"

Sora took a moment to assess the situation. Then, he concluded, "Guess that joke only works in English."

"Enough of this!" Kazuya dashed forward and attempted to uppercut Sora, who blocked it and took one step back. Kazuya followed up with a series of wind-splitting kicks, of which Sora blocked on either of his sides. Taking one last backstep, the boy unleashed a horizontal chop meant for the fighter's waistline.

Kazuya dodged it and retaliated with a flying kick beelining straight to Sora's head. The Keyblade wielder quickly got into position and stabbed in the direction of Kazuya's attacking foot; the tip of Kingdom Key and the fighter's heel met with an electrified clash, followed by another skirmish of Keyblade and fists.

Sora almost forgot about Kairi. During a brief lull in his fight, he looked over his shoulder at Kairi, Coco, and Crash doing wacky team attacks against the robot militia. However, their luck was about to run out when the angry mob started vaulting over the gated community's fence.

"Uh-oh!" said Crash.

Both abandoning their fight, Sora and Kazuya parted ways to avoid the ensuing stampede. Calling over to his three party-members, Sora yelled, "Everyone, get close!"

Doing as they were told, Kairi, Coco, and Crash huddled next to Sora, who pointed his Kingdom Key at the ground and cried, _"Wind!"_

What happened next caused the foursome to propel directly upwards in the air, safe from the mob for now. Thinking fast, Sora hit the remote control on his Gummi ship keys, causing his parked vehicle to roar to life from down below. Then, on instinct, Sora hit the "Find Me" button right as they were about to begin descending.

The _Highwind_ zoomed on the scene, catching all four in its opened helm.

Crash celebrated, "Woo-hoo!"

"Sorry about your window, Coco, and whatever else got destroyed," Kairi apologized.

She replied, "Ah, it's okay. I just hope my wine cooler's intact."

Sora asked, "So where to, now? I mean, there aren't a whole lot of places we can go now that you've been Namco'd."

The princess asked, "Isn't it obvious? There's only one place that's safe for us, now."

* * *

 **-X-**

"You know, I almost dated Connor Kenway from Assassin's Creed III," Coco revealed, sipping a cold beer. "I dug his mohawk, but the guy had an 'Indian Giver' attitude towards a lot of things."

It was about nighttime when they returned for another dip in their home world's jacuzzi. Still situated in the dorm's brightly lit hallway, the jacuzzi-dwellers were enjoying themselves for the second time that day, minus Reno and Larxene. Also sitting in the hot tub, Sora asked, "Is that politically correct?"

"Probably not. And I wished we would've talked more about positive things than George Washington's betrayal. Though it was interesting hearing about what happened at Valley Forge. Then again, I mainly just wanted to talk about myself and my career and my money and my fame…"

Ever since they met Coco Bandicoot, Sora and Kairi knew she had a knack for talking. Still, Kairi found time to throw in, "Don't forget the boyfriends."

"Can't forget those! You know they're my playthings!"

Crash changed the subject, "Ugh. This beer's not doin' its job!"

Sora laughed and suggested, "Try a sodapop!" Shrugging, he asked, "Hey Crash, you ever been Namco'd?"

"Not yet, but that app's only been out for two years—anything could happen. Except there was this one time my blue jeans business got flak for advertising actual bandicoots in blue jeans. People said it was animal cruelty, but c'mon—I'm doing those blokes a favor! Who doesn't love blue jeans?"

"Yeah, I noticed you never take 'em off, even for the jacuzzi," Sora replied.

"They're practically apart of my pelt," Crash boasted, standing up in the jacuzzi to show off his blue jeans, which were understandably soaked.

Sora reminisced, "I got Namco'd a couple weeks ago. Really made that whole 'self-exile' thing difficult to manage."

Coco asked, "Whoa, when did you exile yourself?"

"Long story—I started a war between rival game developers, then everyone wanted me dead—really not that important. But after we got in heaps of trouble, I decided to take a vacation in space pirate territory. It was super-relaxing!"

"Interesting," Coco commented. "So, _you're_ the one Ratchet and Jak have been fighting space pirates with. They've been Kwehing about their swashbuckling for two weeks now! When are they gonna find another hobby?"

"Probably never," Sora replied. "Fighting space pirates is a ton of fun for some reason. And I try to get Kairi to come with us—"

"Oh, you do not!" Kairi interrupted. "Admit it. Fighting those space pirates is your little bro-time with the guys."

Sora nodded sheepishly. "Like I said, it was super-relaxing!"

Suddenly, Riku showed up. He just got back from self-defense class, clutching his gym bag in the hallway. With a look of pure confusion, Riku said, "Um…so…um…what the hell?"

Sora piped up, "Oh! Look what Kairi got me for Valentine's Day!"

"Isn't that next week?" Riku's confusion was skyrocketing.

Kairi answered, "It was an early present. Also, the Bandicoots are here!"

"Um, hey?" Riku's confusion was astronomical. "Does someone wanna mention the fact that Kairi's been Namco'd by an entire world?! Also, there're, like, weird people looking for you, Kairi, out in the courtyard. I think they might wanna claim that Namco pool."

"I knew we were forgetting something," said Kairi.

Standing up from the jacuzzi, Sora declared, "I'll take care of 'em! Kairi, you stay here with Crash and Coco. The three of you should try and find a way to pay off that Namco pool and get those maniacs off our back."

"What about me?" Riku asked.

Sora countered, "Care for a little mob fight in the courtyard?"

The silver-haired teen scoffed. "As if you gotta ask."


	6. Dedication

**Chapter 6: Dedication**

Kazuya tracked down Kairi's location; he'd invaded the world of Square Enix and now had his army of Jack-7 androids lined up in the courtyard before Destiny Dormitory. Sora and Riku had exited the dorm right when Kazuya wrapped up his pep talk for the androids.

"Show them no mercy. Destroy anyone in your way. The mission will end when I throw the culprit off this building's rooftop. And make sure one of you confirms the kill by taking a selfie with the corpse."

"Not so fast!" Sora announced their position. "We've got our friends paying off the Namco bill as we speak, so you might as well give up!"

"Hmph. Fool. I shall have my vengeance. Surrender, and you can die with honor."

"Surrender AND die?" Riku repeated. "That's head-ass-backwards."

"And what would you know about honor?" Sora asked. "You're the guy who came with an army of mohawk-Terminator knock-offs."

"My honor is not in question! There, you stand, defending a destroyer of public property—a terrorist. My JACK-7s are insurance against a threat to mankind. Now tell me, where is she?"

Riku yelled, "Get lost!"

Sora also yelled, "You won't get past us!"

"Tear them apart!"

Kazuya had ordered his robots to charge forward, so Sora and Riku displayed an impressive amount of teamwork as Jack after Jack advanced on them. Swinging their arms like rotating buzz saws, each Jack met a devastating end as Sora and Riku took turns swatting them away.

Kazuya dropped in behind Sora, getting his punch blocked by Riku's Way to the Dawn. Sora spun around and sent a slash for the fighter's neck; Kazuya ducked to avoid it, kicked outward to parry Riku's weapon, and then jumped upward to let a JACK-7 resume the fight.

"Stop hiding behind your robots!" Riku demanded, slashing a JACK-7 in half.

Subtitles appeared behind Sora, who barely noticed them as they read, "Fools! You cannot protect the girl from me! Her corpse shall be my trophy!"

"What a creep!" Sora exclaimed, blocking a robotic hammer punch.

Kazuya reentered the fight, sending a meteor-like kick from the sky straight to Sora's backside. Doing a quick one-eighty, Kazuya threw his elbow into Riku's head, grounding him and following up with a floor punch to the silver-haired teenager's chest.

Picking up both Sora and Riku by the throats, Kazuya laughed maniacally, saying, "Die!"

Riku yelled shrilly, "Put us down, you crazy, Kung-Fu trench coat!"

Clobbering their heads together, Kazuya laughed again, watching their eyes spin. Then, he got serious, asking, "Why do you wish to protect a criminal?"

Especially ticked off, Riku said, "Really? You're gonna question us after banging our heads together?"

Kazuya laughed again—

"Stop laughing!" Riku shrieked.

Laughing his ass off, the head of G Corporation commented, "I'm assuming you two are friends."

"Yeah, that's right!" Sora said, fist-bumping Riku while still in a chokehold.

"And this girl…does she mean something to you?"

"Yeah…" said Sora.

"Totally," said Riku.

"Hmph," Kazuya grunted. "Which one loves her more?"

"Don't answer that, Sora!" Riku exclaimed. "It's a trap!"

"Whoever loves this criminal more shall suffer the same fate as she," Kazuya declared via subtitles. "And the other, I will let live."

"She…she means more to me!" Sora blurted out.

"No…I love her!" Riku professed, though not for the same reason as Sora.

Suddenly angered, Sora yelled at Riku, "Don't lie! You just screwed her and left her for darkness! Someone who loves her would never do that!"

A little confused, Riku muttered, "Hey, um…I'm just tryna save your butt. No need to get personal."

"I don't care!" Sora shouted. "For the longest time, I thought you two were just checking on the raft. For so long, you kept that a secret from me! And what the hell—aren't your arms getting tired?"

"Actually, yes." Kazuya set them back down on the floor, letting out a sigh of relief as he did so. However, after regaining his strength, he hoisted them back up the air again with a growl, tightening the chokehold. "Then it is settled! The spiky-haired twig-boy shall die with the girl!"

Tossing Riku into the crowd of JACK-7s, Kazuya prepared his free hand to impale Sora's chest. Struggling against the tight holds of the robots, Riku cried, "No—you can't do this!"

Smirking evilly, Kazuya snarled, "Prepare to _die._ Also, someone prepare a ticket at the dry cleaners. I have a feeling this one's a bleeder."

"Hey, you! Yoo-hoo! Up here!"

The voice had come from up above, resonating from the dormitory's rooftop. Everyone, including the Jacks, peered upwards, stymied by the sight of Coco and Kairi standing on the edge. Coco, who had been shouting from the roof, appeared to have Kairi in a headlock; she shouted down, "Hey, Kung-Fu man! You let those sweet boys go! Or else I'll do the unthinkable!"

"Rodent!" Kazuya shrieked. "Get your filthy hands off my filthy target!"

"Screw you!" Coco yelled. "Let them go, or the girl dies!"

"Ha…hahahahaha!" Kazuya cackled. "You expect me to believe you'll kill the criminal? Laughable!"

And so, every Jack-7 in attendance began robotically laughing, "Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha."

"Let 'em go, Kazuya!" Coco shouted.

In response, Kazuya smirked and tightened his hold around Sora's neck. Screaming in pain, Sora gasped and questioned, "What are you doing, Coco?!"

"What's it look like I'm doing? I'm about to hit pay dirt with this little troublemaker! Yeah, you heard me! The Namco pool is mine!" Coco sounded like she was off her rocker.

Kairi screamed, "Let me go!"

Riku shouted, "What, are you crazy? This isn't gonna solve anything! We're tryna protect Kairi, remember?"

"Yeah, you're kinda ruining the plan, here!" Sora seconded.

"Enough of this!" said Kazuya. "You will watch me slaughter these young whelps, and then you shall bring the target to me!"

Coco stuttered, "Um, actually—uh, can't understand you. Can't even see the subtitles from here, so…?"

Growling in annoyance, Kazuya directed his attention back to Sora, preparing his spear-like hand to impale the boy. This angered Coco, prompting her to yell:

"Dammit, Kazuya! You've got to the count of _two_ to release them!"

"Heh," Kazuya grunted, choosing to wait it out.

"One. Two."

Behold, Coco twisted Kairi's neck, letting go of the girl as she went limp. Sora let out a loud gasp, followed by Riku screaming, _"No!"_

Kazuya, stunned, could only utter, "Nani?"

And so, it occurred that Kairi's limp body went plummeting over the edge, falling thirteen stories. Though Sora and Riku kicked and struggled to get free, they ultimately could only watch as their best friend slammed into the pavement.

Sora let out an epic roar, "Grrr…aaaAAAAAH!"

"How could you?!" Riku screamed into the heavens.

Coco yelled back down, "Nothing personal! This was all about money!"

Looking like the wind had been stripped from his sails, Kazuya could only stare at Kairi's unmoving form. He murmured, "That rodent…has robbed me of the honor of avenging my company's losses. I…I have no reason to fight here." Letting go of Sora, he commanded his JACK-7s, "Jacks! Back to headquarters. We are finished."

And just like that, Kazuya led his army of mohawk-bots back to their parked limousine. Sora was panting, on his knees, tears streaming down his face. Riku was also panting, staring wide-eyed at what was left of Kairi. Slowly, he went over to his weeping friend, placed a hand on his shoulder, and said, "C'mon, Sora."

"I…can't even look."

Sora peered up at Riku, who muttered, "Just, I don't know…just keep your eyes shut. We have to move her body, man."

Standing to his feet, Sora glared up at the rooftop. Coco was no longer there.

Riku noticed this, delivering his take on the situation, "It's okay, Sora. We all make mistakes."

Sora's glare turned on Riku. "The fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"What? Don't get all bent outta shape!" Riku said defensively. "You trusted that bandicoot chick and look where it got us!"

Pointing at himself, Sora asked aggressively, "So, you're blaming this on me?"

Sighing, Riku replied, "Look, it's no one's fault—"

"Like hell it isn't—"

"Just—just calm down, Sora—" Riku tried holding out his hand.

Sora swatted it away, saying, "Admit it! You think this is my fault!"

Snarling, Riku gave in, "Fine! I do blame you! You literally trust everyone with a goddamn pulse!"

Sora scoffed. "Tch…. Coming from the guy who can't even trust himself!"

"You wanna bring that up now? Oh, let's go ahead and talk about how I gave in to darkness, too!"

"You did give in—after Kairi gave in to YOU!"

"You're not gonna let that go, are ya—?"

"—WELL WHY SHOULD I—?"

"—'CUZ I'M YOUR FRIEND…! Even though no one else wants to be."

Sora pushed Riku with great force. Riku then sucker-punched Sora across the face. Both teens proceeded to choke each other, stuck in a vicious locking of the arms.

Just then, Coco Bandicoot emerged from the dorm's doorway, chanting, "Ta-daa!" She literally just noticed Sora and Riku scrapping and Kairi's body still on the ground. Horrified, she yelled, "Omigod! KAIRI—what are you still doing on the ground? Get up! They're fighting over you!"

Kairi leaned her head on her hand, dreamily stating, "I know—isn't it great?"

Coco rushed in to stop the fight, "Boys, boys! You can stop now—!"

"YOU!" Sora yelled, divided on who's ass to kick.

"Oh, shit," Coco muttered, recognizing that look of pure hatred.

Kairi quickly rushed to Coco's aid, effectively stopping the fight with her presence. "Sora, Riku! I'm alive!"

Cartoonishly frozen mid-chokehold, Sora and Riku stared in disbelief at the walking, talking Princess of Light. In unison, they uttered, "…Kairi?!"

Sheepishly, Kairi said, "Boy, we sure tricked that Kazuya guy, didn't we?"

Riku was preparing to drop the mother of all F-bombs, "What. The FU—?!"

"Kairi!" Sora yelped, letting Riku's neck go and barreling into the princess. Embracing her like she was back from the dead, Sora wept his eyes out, blubbering, "Tell me I'm not dreaming!"

"No, it's really me. Also, I think you're suffocating Crash." Kairi pointed at her shirt.

Speaking of her clothing, Sora and Riku just noticed she was wearing her Christmas sweater and blue jeans for some reason. That's when they also noticed the bandicoot-nose hanging out the neck of her sweater.

Then, a muffled voice mumbled in an Australian accent, "Well, no, surprisingly, I've got air."

Suddenly, Crash Bandicoot pulled himself out of Kairi's clothes, fur extremely ruffled. Patting himself down, he complained, "Good golly, lass! Why'd ya have to wait so long to throw the charade?"

Answering honestly, Kairi stated, "Because it looked like they were going to fight, and that's exactly what these two numbskulls needed."

Placing his hands on his hips, Riku incredulously asked, "Are you serious? You had us scared to death!"

"Look, you two have been treating each other like dirt ever since Sora heard the truth about Riku and I, and it's been driving me crazy, like yesterday at the mall."

Sora and Riku looked confused.

"The mall I didn't destroy," Kairi clarified. "Anyway, once I saw an opportunity for you guys to fight it out, I just _had_ to let it happen. Also, I couldn't resist watching you two duke it out over me." Sora and Riku glared at Kairi. "Okay…forget I mentioned that last part."

"C'mon, Kairi," Sora bemoaned, though one hundred percent more relieved than before. "I could've killed Riku, I was so mad!"

Riku laughed out loud. "Right, whatever you say, Sora."

"I'm not joking, I probly wasn't gonna stop!"

"Okay, tough-guy."

"Regardless," Kairi started, "it looks like it was a mission accomplished."

Shaking her head, Coco stated, "Not yet. We've gotta get you to the B.N. station to get rid of that Namco pool."

Nodding, Kairi said, "Agreed. What do you say, Sora? Wanna sneak out one more time?"

"Let's do it," said Sora. "How 'bout it, Riku?"

"Pass," he rejected. "Got work in the morning." Before he walked away, he turned to Sora and asked, "And what was all that about me 'screwing her and leaving her for darkness'?"

"I said that…'cuz that's what you did," Sora stated sternly.

"And what do you know about what I did? You weren't even there, and for good reason."

Frowning, Kairi intervened, "C'mon, guys. We just got past this."

Delivering an icy stare in Sora's direction, Riku merely grunted and said, "Whatever."

Watching Riku depart into the dormitory, Sora rolled his eyes and said, "We don't need him for this. C'mon, Kairi."

"Ahem!" Crash looked slighted.

"Bandicoots included," Sora added with a smile.

"Woo-hoo! Road trip!" Coco bellowed.


End file.
